THere have been several times in my life that I call AhhhHaaa moments. I can only really describe these moments as "God Spoke to me" I have never actually heard his voice... they happen something like this...
I talk to myself, quite often and sometimes quite loudly. I also talk to God, I sometimes talk to Orion (The constalation), sometimes I talk to the moon. I talk to Jesus and the Spirit. I have even beem know to talk to lost relatives. And oh yes, I talk to plants and animals.
Most of these conversations are me working the clutter and chaos out of my head, and often as I do I am posing questions or summing my life up in analogies. If I can create an analogy it makes it easier to get it out of my head. Most of the time I find myself asking questions that I have no way of kowing the answer to... which brings me to my 3 Ahhh Haaa's. A few times as I have been having my talks with God I have possed a question that even before I have finished asking I just know the answer. THere is no doubt, there is no reasking, there is just a peace that I know the answer... I think I have blooged about these before so I won't go into detail, but in a nutshell:
#1 - Dear God I am in over my head, I am drowning and I can not do this;
"No your not, the water is only knee deep. Just stand up and quit atcing like a baby."
#2 - I can not get out of this hole, there is no way that I can survive this and nothing that I am doing is getting me closer. I'm working my tail off and things are just getting worse.
"Andy, if you really want to get out of the hole you need to let go of the shovel, step away from the shovel, quit digging, oh for Pete's sake would you put down the shovel already."
#3 - Dear God I am so tired of the whinning, my kids are whinning, every body at work is whinning, the bank wants their money, I'm behind on my grades... the is rediculous, no body should be asked to do this, my wife just keeps naggin and nagging...
"Andy, would you please stop whinning."
Which brings me to the 4th Ahhh Haaa.
Lately things have been getting very stressful as I imagine they are for most of the country if not a large part of the world. And I think like many people I have been flooding the airwaves with prayer after prayer. Prayers of need, prayers of request, prayers of anger and doubt... and the good ones too. Prayers of thanks and prayers of love... But I have been getting discouraged as of late as it seems that so many of my prayers are not being answered. It has even seemed that I'm not even getting no's. I'm feel like I'm getting the I'm sorry all lines are busy please call back later. Over the last few days I have even started to share with God that I am having doubts. I am doubting him, I am doubting myself. If God answeres the prayers of righteous men does that mean that I am not righteous...
And as I got into the car this morning I possed my question one more time, "God why have you started ignoring me... why are you not answering my prayers.
"Andy, which prayer would you like for me to answer. You prayed that you would give up everything in your life if you could just be great at something, and I have made you a teacher. You prayed that I would make you humble and I have given you many opportunities for humility. You prayed that I not make you rich because you didn't think you could handle it and I have given you just enough. You prayed that everything would be allright, that your kids would be healty, that I would guide you and lead you. What is it exactly that you have prayed for that I have not given you. Would you please begin specifying which prayers you would like for me to answer and which prayers you would like for me to ignore."
I find myself humbled, and encouraged. I may not have everything I want. But I have everything I need. And when you get right down to it... I have most everything I want too.
It was a long day, but it was a good day.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sorting the Chaos
Chaos is a big topic with me, I guess because I feel like I have lived my entire life within a state of chaos. The byproduct of my ADD multiplied by my personaltiy, complicated with a bit of OCD on the side.
How do you sort your Chaos... I imagine the movie "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner as he stands on the Picthers mound and he "Clears the mechanism" the method he uses to tune out and sort all of the chaos.
I believe that chaos is what stands in our way. It keeps up from thinking, it keeps us from producing, it keeps us from loving...
The Chaos that porn creates keeps us from trully loving, we get lost in the shroud of chaos called lust... At work we overload ourselves with projects and deadlines and business. Yes these are (or can be) part of our job... But our productuvuty gets burried in clutterd chaos of business. When I get home, and the TV is going, and all the lights are on, and all 4 kids are talking and both computers are going with games and movies and noise, there are dishes to do and lawns to be mowed and things to be fixed... And my family gets lost in the eruption of chaos...
I have three main ways I deal with the Chaos:
One - the internal chaos of my mind. I have to start by reducing the visual clutter, the more colors and angles and stuff in my world the more clutter their is in my head. Thoughts begin to overlap and messages get confused... imagine doing your homework in the mall food court at lunchtime... AsI reduce the visual clutter, for each thing I put away I file something or get something out of my head...
two - the business of my life. Hunting. I go and i sit, a single purpose, a single thought. All of the sounds are about listening, waiting. The cold air brings you home... nothing else matters... Its about waiting not about doing... as I do this, as I sit it no longer matter what is now and what is later, so I sit and one by one I read all of my internal mail and I clear out my lists.
three - writing. So many time I think that this blog shows me as a sad worried overwelmed person. And at times thats exactly who I am . But the truth of the matter is that so often God speaks to me when I write, as I type my questions I find that I know the answer before I even finish typing, and as I tell of how all hope is lost, by the time I am done I have abandonded my self pity and know that my hope is in things eternal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...
It was a long day, but the night has come, and I am still here. Tomorrow the sun will rise and God expects us to be the best... Because he knows we can be.
I do not know how the bills will get paid, I do not know how I am going to get everything done, I don't know how I will ever trully overcome addiction, but I do know that My father loves me deeply and a) he expects me to give it my very best and b) he knows I am going to fail and when I do he will pick me up and set me back on my path.
Goal #1 write a happy blog...
How do you sort your Chaos... I imagine the movie "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner as he stands on the Picthers mound and he "Clears the mechanism" the method he uses to tune out and sort all of the chaos.
I believe that chaos is what stands in our way. It keeps up from thinking, it keeps us from producing, it keeps us from loving...
The Chaos that porn creates keeps us from trully loving, we get lost in the shroud of chaos called lust... At work we overload ourselves with projects and deadlines and business. Yes these are (or can be) part of our job... But our productuvuty gets burried in clutterd chaos of business. When I get home, and the TV is going, and all the lights are on, and all 4 kids are talking and both computers are going with games and movies and noise, there are dishes to do and lawns to be mowed and things to be fixed... And my family gets lost in the eruption of chaos...
I have three main ways I deal with the Chaos:
One - the internal chaos of my mind. I have to start by reducing the visual clutter, the more colors and angles and stuff in my world the more clutter their is in my head. Thoughts begin to overlap and messages get confused... imagine doing your homework in the mall food court at lunchtime... AsI reduce the visual clutter, for each thing I put away I file something or get something out of my head...
two - the business of my life. Hunting. I go and i sit, a single purpose, a single thought. All of the sounds are about listening, waiting. The cold air brings you home... nothing else matters... Its about waiting not about doing... as I do this, as I sit it no longer matter what is now and what is later, so I sit and one by one I read all of my internal mail and I clear out my lists.
three - writing. So many time I think that this blog shows me as a sad worried overwelmed person. And at times thats exactly who I am . But the truth of the matter is that so often God speaks to me when I write, as I type my questions I find that I know the answer before I even finish typing, and as I tell of how all hope is lost, by the time I am done I have abandonded my self pity and know that my hope is in things eternal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...
It was a long day, but the night has come, and I am still here. Tomorrow the sun will rise and God expects us to be the best... Because he knows we can be.
I do not know how the bills will get paid, I do not know how I am going to get everything done, I don't know how I will ever trully overcome addiction, but I do know that My father loves me deeply and a) he expects me to give it my very best and b) he knows I am going to fail and when I do he will pick me up and set me back on my path.
Goal #1 write a happy blog...
The chaos of the spirit
So I wonder if I should call this a retraction...
An interesting point came out sunday as we sat in class discussing the book of acts and other of Paul's letters. There was disorder within the church and Paul was providing intruction for obtaining and maintaining order. But if you look closley the disorder and the chaos was caused by the spirit, well at least spirit led.
What do I mean...
Paul states that when they are prophesying that one should not speak on top of the other, that they should wait for one to finish or when another stands up the first should sit down... he gives other expamples and make other similar points... and I ponder this thought...
Why would the Spirit give more than one person stuff to say at the same time... why wouldn't the spirit finish with one person before lifting up the next. At the same time if it does no good to speak in tounges with no one to interpret, why would the Spirit gift somone with tongues with out gifting an interpreter. It would seem that these things would create chaos, and in fact Paul says that they do. He instructs us to not use our gifts in a chaotic fashion...
Along the same note, why would the spirit ever give two different people two different things to say at the same time, and would they ever contradict each other.
....
I keep praying for the Spirit to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos... and I keep finding myself in the midst of chaos...
....
It was a long day.
....
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A piece of artwork, with beauty and order, and chaos. And don't tell me that God didn't create the chaos. I have often created artwork, and not once has there ever been anything in the piece that wasnt the result of something I did. We, you, me, everything in this world is the result of the master artist applying his brush to the canvas.
An interesting point came out sunday as we sat in class discussing the book of acts and other of Paul's letters. There was disorder within the church and Paul was providing intruction for obtaining and maintaining order. But if you look closley the disorder and the chaos was caused by the spirit, well at least spirit led.
What do I mean...
Paul states that when they are prophesying that one should not speak on top of the other, that they should wait for one to finish or when another stands up the first should sit down... he gives other expamples and make other similar points... and I ponder this thought...
Why would the Spirit give more than one person stuff to say at the same time... why wouldn't the spirit finish with one person before lifting up the next. At the same time if it does no good to speak in tounges with no one to interpret, why would the Spirit gift somone with tongues with out gifting an interpreter. It would seem that these things would create chaos, and in fact Paul says that they do. He instructs us to not use our gifts in a chaotic fashion...
Along the same note, why would the spirit ever give two different people two different things to say at the same time, and would they ever contradict each other.
....
I keep praying for the Spirit to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos... and I keep finding myself in the midst of chaos...
....
It was a long day.
....
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A piece of artwork, with beauty and order, and chaos. And don't tell me that God didn't create the chaos. I have often created artwork, and not once has there ever been anything in the piece that wasnt the result of something I did. We, you, me, everything in this world is the result of the master artist applying his brush to the canvas.
Now what?
I have reached a moment when I know not what to do next. Lets compare life to running a race, or in the terms the bible uses running the good race.
I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.
I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.
They want, no the need to finish the race.
For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.
I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.
Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.
I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.
It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...
Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.
I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.
I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.
They want, no the need to finish the race.
For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.
I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.
Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.
I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.
It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...
Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.
Friday, November 19, 2010
A poem for the masses (and to prove my life is not all sad)
FEARLESS ME, AND MY TEDDYBEAR
Like Abbot and Costello, the Lone Ranger and Tonto,
Wherever I'm headed, he too is sure to go,
We’ve rescued maidens in distress,
Completely fearless... more or less,
We’ve stood up to an ogre, face to face,
And we've dared the depths of outer space.
When it comes to danger and fear, we've done it all,
So if you ever need help just give us a call,
And before you know it, we'll be there,
Fearless Me, and my TEDDYBEAR.
Like Abbot and Costello, the Lone Ranger and Tonto,
Wherever I'm headed, he too is sure to go,
We’ve rescued maidens in distress,
Completely fearless... more or less,
We’ve stood up to an ogre, face to face,
And we've dared the depths of outer space.
When it comes to danger and fear, we've done it all,
So if you ever need help just give us a call,
And before you know it, we'll be there,
Fearless Me, and my TEDDYBEAR.
Sometimes the TinMan Sometimes the Scarecrow
As my knees popped and cracked their way up the stairs this morning I certainly felt like the Tin Man looking for his can of oil... But being the Tin Man is so much more than that... I have always been ruled by my emotions, I am a very deep sensitive person and many times I am overcome by the emotions of others. As a child it was very difficult for me to seperate my emotions from the emotions of everyone else. I felt what they were feeling. It was not until well after college that I really learned to distinguish between what I was feeling internally and what I was reacating to externally. Many times I felt that my heart was busted, that I needed a new one...
At the same time I was that kid that was always the smartest kid in the regular class or the dumbest kids in the honors class. Put a little ADD on top of that and there were so many times that I new I had to be smarter than this... that if I only had a brain... because it certainly felt like I didn't...
I have always loved what the Wizard of Oz represents because in the end what each of them desired most, they already had.
As I was thinking about this I realized a couple of things, the first about myself and the second about my children.
First ME...
I have spent my whole life wanting to be great at something. I have many things that I am above avaerage at and a lot that I would even say I am good at. But I always wanted to be great. I have said on many occasions I would give up all of my other gifts if I gould just be amazing at one of them. I have compared myself to the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, even the Lion and occasionally I have even felt like Dorthy - looking for a place to fit in. Yesterday I think I reached a student that the rest of the world has been unable to reach... I've figured out what I am great at... I know who I am. I am not the Tin Man, I am not the Scarecrow, I am not the Lion, and I am not Dorthy.....
I am the great and powerful OZ... What I am truley great at, my gift... I help people to see whats already inside them. I make other people great. My own greatness seems intangible at times, but it can always be found in the success of the people that I touch and help.
Second - My kids:
I am raising the Wizard of Oz... Tyler is the Tin Man - ruled by his heart, always seeking to love and care for others, the first to help out, the first to nurture, the first cry... Jayden is the Scarecrow - ruled by his brain, constantly seeking to be smarter, will think a problem through rather than hit it head on, always looking for a puzzle, has to know the answer... Ajay is the Lion - scared of his own shadow, and the first to jump in to save you, always ready to fight, he seeks out high places, and jumps in to any situation (even if he is terrified), he is one of the most couragous people I know... And Ashtyn - I guess she has to be Dorthy because shes the girl right - but she will also be the driving force behind the other three, they are "Her Boys", she is the link that will hold them together, her family (Her Boys) are what keeps her going, she has to take care of them, she has to know where they are, she is our hall monitor...
----
May all your dreams come true,
May your nightmares fade away,
and may you find tomorrow
what you've lost today.
I am praying for you.
At the same time I was that kid that was always the smartest kid in the regular class or the dumbest kids in the honors class. Put a little ADD on top of that and there were so many times that I new I had to be smarter than this... that if I only had a brain... because it certainly felt like I didn't...
I have always loved what the Wizard of Oz represents because in the end what each of them desired most, they already had.
As I was thinking about this I realized a couple of things, the first about myself and the second about my children.
First ME...
I have spent my whole life wanting to be great at something. I have many things that I am above avaerage at and a lot that I would even say I am good at. But I always wanted to be great. I have said on many occasions I would give up all of my other gifts if I gould just be amazing at one of them. I have compared myself to the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, even the Lion and occasionally I have even felt like Dorthy - looking for a place to fit in. Yesterday I think I reached a student that the rest of the world has been unable to reach... I've figured out what I am great at... I know who I am. I am not the Tin Man, I am not the Scarecrow, I am not the Lion, and I am not Dorthy.....
I am the great and powerful OZ... What I am truley great at, my gift... I help people to see whats already inside them. I make other people great. My own greatness seems intangible at times, but it can always be found in the success of the people that I touch and help.
Second - My kids:
I am raising the Wizard of Oz... Tyler is the Tin Man - ruled by his heart, always seeking to love and care for others, the first to help out, the first to nurture, the first cry... Jayden is the Scarecrow - ruled by his brain, constantly seeking to be smarter, will think a problem through rather than hit it head on, always looking for a puzzle, has to know the answer... Ajay is the Lion - scared of his own shadow, and the first to jump in to save you, always ready to fight, he seeks out high places, and jumps in to any situation (even if he is terrified), he is one of the most couragous people I know... And Ashtyn - I guess she has to be Dorthy because shes the girl right - but she will also be the driving force behind the other three, they are "Her Boys", she is the link that will hold them together, her family (Her Boys) are what keeps her going, she has to take care of them, she has to know where they are, she is our hall monitor...
----
May all your dreams come true,
May your nightmares fade away,
and may you find tomorrow
what you've lost today.
I am praying for you.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A puzzle Piece
I often hear people talk about how we are like puzzles and how we feel incomplete when we are missing a piece. I'm not sure that I completly agree with the picture. I think that the events of today have made me ponder the life of the puzzle piece. What would it be like to be a single puzzle piece...
One could argue that a single puzzle piece has infinite possibilities, that it could be anything in the world. And yet, I think, that one single puzzle piece is void of all meaning... it is not the pieces that define the puzzle... it is the puzzle that defines the pieces. It is the picture that tells us what we are. Without a place in the world, without a purpose we are lost and often hopeless. What makes a really good puzzle is one that has only one solution, it only works when all the pieces are there. But without the puzzle the pieces have no purpose.
Words are often defined by the context of the sentence, a wide reciever can only function as part of a team...
I think many of us wander this world as a puzzle piece discarded from the box... we move from box to box looking for that puzzle that we are a part of, the puzzle is not complete because of us but it is only complete because we are there.
One could argue that a single puzzle piece has infinite possibilities, that it could be anything in the world. And yet, I think, that one single puzzle piece is void of all meaning... it is not the pieces that define the puzzle... it is the puzzle that defines the pieces. It is the picture that tells us what we are. Without a place in the world, without a purpose we are lost and often hopeless. What makes a really good puzzle is one that has only one solution, it only works when all the pieces are there. But without the puzzle the pieces have no purpose.
Words are often defined by the context of the sentence, a wide reciever can only function as part of a team...
I think many of us wander this world as a puzzle piece discarded from the box... we move from box to box looking for that puzzle that we are a part of, the puzzle is not complete because of us but it is only complete because we are there.
Off by a day
Ok so I am off by a day... I apolopgize to the two people that read this. I reached a point where I just didn't feel like the things I had to say needed to be said.
But in truth if I don't say them they just seem to pile up in my head and I begin to loose what sanity I have left.
I posted that I would start writing again on the 15th and here it is the 16th and no new posts... so here it comes...
I may have posted on this before I need to go back and read - but even so it has taken on a whole new meaning as of late...
I believe that the true power of the Spirit is not to take away the....
well ok... so five hours after I started this, not my network will let me finish it. I guess it was self prophecy...
So as I was saying, I believe that the true power of the Spirit is not to make the chaos peacful, rather the true power of the Spirit is to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos. When Christ was on the boat in the storm with his disciples he was peacefully asleep. When they woke him in fear they needed him to calm the storm, which he did. In addition he rebuked them for their lack of faith. I always assumed that he was rebuking them because they doubted that he could calm the storm... I have come to believe that he was rebuking them for needing the storm to be calmed. It was their lack of faith that God would not let them sink. My life has been in chaos as of late and I have found myself begging God to calm the storms and I have found myself angry with God when he doesn't...
But when I stop and pray and listen... I can hear God saying, it's only a storm I will not let you sink. And I can find peace in the chaos knowing that it is only chaos... it is merely noise that must be tuned out.
I pray that all who read this may find peace, our world will never be peacful, yet the Spirit will let us be at peace in God. Relish in this peace, seek it always...
But in truth if I don't say them they just seem to pile up in my head and I begin to loose what sanity I have left.
I posted that I would start writing again on the 15th and here it is the 16th and no new posts... so here it comes...
I may have posted on this before I need to go back and read - but even so it has taken on a whole new meaning as of late...
I believe that the true power of the Spirit is not to take away the....
well ok... so five hours after I started this, not my network will let me finish it. I guess it was self prophecy...
So as I was saying, I believe that the true power of the Spirit is not to make the chaos peacful, rather the true power of the Spirit is to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos. When Christ was on the boat in the storm with his disciples he was peacefully asleep. When they woke him in fear they needed him to calm the storm, which he did. In addition he rebuked them for their lack of faith. I always assumed that he was rebuking them because they doubted that he could calm the storm... I have come to believe that he was rebuking them for needing the storm to be calmed. It was their lack of faith that God would not let them sink. My life has been in chaos as of late and I have found myself begging God to calm the storms and I have found myself angry with God when he doesn't...
But when I stop and pray and listen... I can hear God saying, it's only a storm I will not let you sink. And I can find peace in the chaos knowing that it is only chaos... it is merely noise that must be tuned out.
I pray that all who read this may find peace, our world will never be peacful, yet the Spirit will let us be at peace in God. Relish in this peace, seek it always...
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Two Worlds, one servant, 100 masters
I can not worship two gods and yet I live in two worlds, One is a world where all is as it should be the other is a world where all is as I would like it to be.
I look to my wife for support and love ; She is my completion, she is everything that I need want and am. On the flip side, she is a distraction, a weight, a secret to forget. In my life I want power and Humility. I want speed and power, and I want patience. I want to have it all, and I want to give it all away.
I live in two worlds of constant conflict.
I see many women as a chance to explore, flirt, be daring. They make me feel important, desired, like a King. And I fear the thing in life that could harm them and take them away. I want to protect them. But I want to honor my wife.
And yet they are so beautiful.
I can’t wait to teach my kids to be the man that I never was, I can’t stand the children that I am raising them to be. I want to run and play and make it all about ME time, and yet when I look in their eyes and I would die for us time. I would lay down my life to save my family. And instead I lay it down to throw them away.
How can I be a dreamer, a cynic, a realist an optimist, a pessimist, and idealist and an addict?
Two worlds, one mind, two realities both based in fiction, the real world lies with God the lord and king.
My addiction does not trap me in a false reality; it traps me in a real one. My addiction makes me angry, detached and uninterested in the relationships at home I am trapped in a nondescript prison by walls that are made out of apathy.
I flirt with other women because it makes me feel good. I wonder if they would have sex with me, I know that I could… Sometimes COULD is so much stronger than WOULD.
Would has no risk no adventure, with could there is always the chance that you won’t
So in a world where my wife means everything to me, why would I even consider if I could...
Because in this moment, the two worlds are one, and I exist in both. I do not consider her feelings because it has nothing to do with her… this is about me
And in the other world, I am greatful that I do not see if I can turn could into did... I could not stand to watch her struggle with where I am and who I am with.
I can not worship two GODS… and yet I serve so many masters…
I serve my Wife…
I serve my children…
I serve my job…
I serve my co-workers…
I serve my friends…
I serve my family…
I serve my self…
I serve my addiction…
SO when exactly am I supposed to serve God?
This all powerful and mighty God, where is he in my world, do I have to go to his world to find him. I look around and he is not here, he is not at home, he is not at work, and I often wonder if he is even at church.
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
I seek guidance and the manual shows up in Greek?
I pray for a man who speaks Greek and the guy that show up can read every word but can’t speak English. I finally get someone that can translate it for me, but its not the book I needed.
I pray for guidance and a wise man shows up and tells me how I can use the original book it just has to read upside-down and backwards while reciting your ABC’s
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
I pray for money to pay my bills so that we don’t have to ask for help from my parents. God blesses us with an amazing turn out for a garage sale, where we fight with my parents over who should get the money, Did I mention they give more money to church in a year than I make in a year… and they would mention that we could pay our bills if we didn’t eat out and do so many extra fun activities.
Where is this God I am supposed to serve?
I pray for security and prosperity… I can’t keep my rentals rented, I had to sell them to my dad to just stay a float, and the ones that stay rented are constantly breaking and I have no money to fix them.
So now not only am I ruining my life but those that I put up in houses as well.
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
The prayers of Jabez, the prayers of Abraham, the prayers of Moses, the Prayer of Christ. Who am I to pray with these men…
I have learned to pray from my daughter… we all hold hands we bow our heads and she says, “AMEN”. We all look up and wait for a minute for her to decide if we all meant it, which we didn’t… So we all bow our heads again and she says, “AMEN!”… she looks up again and of course this time we are all covered.
But wouldn’t it b great if that was in fact my prayer, “So Be It!”
And I let it go.
If I could look at my life and say, "Yp God it is was it is, and although its not what I’d like it to be, it’s not what it could be… so , “AMEN”
I don’t know how to serve one GOD, one master… My life is one big adventure in butt-kissing. I work the crowd, not like a politician, but I have made an art form of seeing how far the rules will bend. And how to handle it when they occasionally break.
How does a man like that serve GOD?
I don’t know how to be anything different than what I am… for that matter I’m not even sure what I am…
This started off to be an addicts prayer and has turned into a pontification on the art of not serving God while struggling to figure out just what the heck that means.
Just another by-line for the Pontificating Fool, the Face book Profit, the Cheap seat Philosopher.
Stealing a line from the movie Rudy…
“I know two things beyond any shadow of a doubt; there is a God, and I’m not him.”
I know that there is a God, and I know that I used to have an amazing relationship with him. I have never lived a life of conviction, I am living proof that you can have tremendous faith with out conviction I am much like an honest man in the presidency well intentioned, and highly ineffective.
I want to better serve GOD, I am tired of serving my two worlds only to find that the pot at the end of the rainbow isn’t even in either one of these worlds… its sitting at the feet of God and to get there I must bow down before him.
And now I’ll pray
Dear Lord, my God, my Father, my King,… my Friend. I am torn between all the things that I “know” that I have to be doing to make this life work. My obligation to my wife and family, the bills, the job. I wish that I could give you my first fruits, but I gave them away so long ago that I can not get them back and what little I have left is not worthy to lie before your feet. How am I supposed to give you my best, when I have given everything I have to everyone around me. All I have left is time, and I have given most of that to my career, my wife and my kids. I ask you for so much and I offer so little. I pray lord that you will lift me up and bless what little I have left and make it a mighty praise unto you. Take my fish, and bread small may they be… take them and bless them that I may flourish in you. Help me Lord to take what little I have left (time, money, energy) help me to take these things and honor and glorify you, not with my “first fruits” but with ALL THAT I HAVE.
Amen
I look to my wife for support and love ; She is my completion, she is everything that I need want and am. On the flip side, she is a distraction, a weight, a secret to forget. In my life I want power and Humility. I want speed and power, and I want patience. I want to have it all, and I want to give it all away.
I live in two worlds of constant conflict.
I see many women as a chance to explore, flirt, be daring. They make me feel important, desired, like a King. And I fear the thing in life that could harm them and take them away. I want to protect them. But I want to honor my wife.
And yet they are so beautiful.
I can’t wait to teach my kids to be the man that I never was, I can’t stand the children that I am raising them to be. I want to run and play and make it all about ME time, and yet when I look in their eyes and I would die for us time. I would lay down my life to save my family. And instead I lay it down to throw them away.
How can I be a dreamer, a cynic, a realist an optimist, a pessimist, and idealist and an addict?
Two worlds, one mind, two realities both based in fiction, the real world lies with God the lord and king.
My addiction does not trap me in a false reality; it traps me in a real one. My addiction makes me angry, detached and uninterested in the relationships at home I am trapped in a nondescript prison by walls that are made out of apathy.
I flirt with other women because it makes me feel good. I wonder if they would have sex with me, I know that I could… Sometimes COULD is so much stronger than WOULD.
Would has no risk no adventure, with could there is always the chance that you won’t
So in a world where my wife means everything to me, why would I even consider if I could...
Because in this moment, the two worlds are one, and I exist in both. I do not consider her feelings because it has nothing to do with her… this is about me
And in the other world, I am greatful that I do not see if I can turn could into did... I could not stand to watch her struggle with where I am and who I am with.
I can not worship two GODS… and yet I serve so many masters…
I serve my Wife…
I serve my children…
I serve my job…
I serve my co-workers…
I serve my friends…
I serve my family…
I serve my self…
I serve my addiction…
SO when exactly am I supposed to serve God?
This all powerful and mighty God, where is he in my world, do I have to go to his world to find him. I look around and he is not here, he is not at home, he is not at work, and I often wonder if he is even at church.
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
I seek guidance and the manual shows up in Greek?
I pray for a man who speaks Greek and the guy that show up can read every word but can’t speak English. I finally get someone that can translate it for me, but its not the book I needed.
I pray for guidance and a wise man shows up and tells me how I can use the original book it just has to read upside-down and backwards while reciting your ABC’s
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
I pray for money to pay my bills so that we don’t have to ask for help from my parents. God blesses us with an amazing turn out for a garage sale, where we fight with my parents over who should get the money, Did I mention they give more money to church in a year than I make in a year… and they would mention that we could pay our bills if we didn’t eat out and do so many extra fun activities.
Where is this God I am supposed to serve?
I pray for security and prosperity… I can’t keep my rentals rented, I had to sell them to my dad to just stay a float, and the ones that stay rented are constantly breaking and I have no money to fix them.
So now not only am I ruining my life but those that I put up in houses as well.
Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
The prayers of Jabez, the prayers of Abraham, the prayers of Moses, the Prayer of Christ. Who am I to pray with these men…
I have learned to pray from my daughter… we all hold hands we bow our heads and she says, “AMEN”. We all look up and wait for a minute for her to decide if we all meant it, which we didn’t… So we all bow our heads again and she says, “AMEN!”… she looks up again and of course this time we are all covered.
But wouldn’t it b great if that was in fact my prayer, “So Be It!”
And I let it go.
If I could look at my life and say, "Yp God it is was it is, and although its not what I’d like it to be, it’s not what it could be… so , “AMEN”
I don’t know how to serve one GOD, one master… My life is one big adventure in butt-kissing. I work the crowd, not like a politician, but I have made an art form of seeing how far the rules will bend. And how to handle it when they occasionally break.
How does a man like that serve GOD?
I don’t know how to be anything different than what I am… for that matter I’m not even sure what I am…
This started off to be an addicts prayer and has turned into a pontification on the art of not serving God while struggling to figure out just what the heck that means.
Just another by-line for the Pontificating Fool, the Face book Profit, the Cheap seat Philosopher.
Stealing a line from the movie Rudy…
“I know two things beyond any shadow of a doubt; there is a God, and I’m not him.”
I know that there is a God, and I know that I used to have an amazing relationship with him. I have never lived a life of conviction, I am living proof that you can have tremendous faith with out conviction I am much like an honest man in the presidency well intentioned, and highly ineffective.
I want to better serve GOD, I am tired of serving my two worlds only to find that the pot at the end of the rainbow isn’t even in either one of these worlds… its sitting at the feet of God and to get there I must bow down before him.
And now I’ll pray
Dear Lord, my God, my Father, my King,… my Friend. I am torn between all the things that I “know” that I have to be doing to make this life work. My obligation to my wife and family, the bills, the job. I wish that I could give you my first fruits, but I gave them away so long ago that I can not get them back and what little I have left is not worthy to lie before your feet. How am I supposed to give you my best, when I have given everything I have to everyone around me. All I have left is time, and I have given most of that to my career, my wife and my kids. I ask you for so much and I offer so little. I pray lord that you will lift me up and bless what little I have left and make it a mighty praise unto you. Take my fish, and bread small may they be… take them and bless them that I may flourish in you. Help me Lord to take what little I have left (time, money, energy) help me to take these things and honor and glorify you, not with my “first fruits” but with ALL THAT I HAVE.
Amen
Thursday, April 22, 2010
The Belly of the Whale
He said go left… and I went right.
He said, “It’s safer by day.”
I traveled by night.
He pointed to the mountains way out west.”
I said, “That way is rocky,
I think this way is best.”
He gives me directions to lead me each day
And most of the time
I’ll go the other way.
I’m not sure why, I act the way I do.
Questioning and doubting,
What he tells me to do.
He said, “Take the road,” but I set sail
And so here I sit…
In the belly of the whale.
Sometimes I think I spend most of my time in the Belly of the Whale... If we look at Jonah we can see that he is happier in the Belly of the Whale than he is when he is doing what God has called him to do. He serves in reluctance. I am tired of sitting in the whale. I am tired of resenting God for calling me to be his. I want to serve him with every ounce of my being.
He said, “It’s safer by day.”
I traveled by night.
He pointed to the mountains way out west.”
I said, “That way is rocky,
I think this way is best.”
He gives me directions to lead me each day
And most of the time
I’ll go the other way.
I’m not sure why, I act the way I do.
Questioning and doubting,
What he tells me to do.
He said, “Take the road,” but I set sail
And so here I sit…
In the belly of the whale.
Sometimes I think I spend most of my time in the Belly of the Whale... If we look at Jonah we can see that he is happier in the Belly of the Whale than he is when he is doing what God has called him to do. He serves in reluctance. I am tired of sitting in the whale. I am tired of resenting God for calling me to be his. I want to serve him with every ounce of my being.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
The Voice of reason
Oh no, I am not the voice of reason... the voice of reason would never be in the truoble that I find myself in... Yes, I am the voice of "Oh crap lets get out of here, the Cops are coming."
This is nothing like the voice of reason.
The voice of reason deals with right and wrong, the idea of lets not do that it could have consequences. The voice of reason considers what would be rational behavior and what are logical outcomes of any given situations...
No, my voice is not the voice of reason, it does not keep me out of trouble. On my best days it does however keep me from getting caught. I am quick thining, strong under pressure and good in a jam... My voice says, "No go left its faster, quick duck in here before they see us."
My voice is the one you here yelling, "...And I'd have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for those medling kids."
Yes, its true. I am a person of poor impusle control, an instant gratification seeking moron. I tend to leap first and then figure out where I am going to land. It tends to make my life very exciting but it also tends to put me in situations that the only way out of it, is to admit defeat or blaze on till victory or death. I struggle with internet addictions, even coke (cola) addictions, I bite my fingernails even though I know that I will tear them up into the quick...
So you ask me...
"ANdy, why do you drink, why do you blow smoke, why must you live out these songs that you wrote..."
Ok so maybe you didn't ask me that, but you get the point...
I could go with the flat easy answer... I have ADD. But the truth is the answer is not that easy. Most of the time there is a gap in my life. I have been trying lately to let God fill that gap, but it doesn't really seem to work... and yet here I sit.
So why do I still do things that I know are stupid, that I know that the voice of reason would say "Andy, don't do that." Because, I am not the voice of reason. It is not in my nature. I am impulsive, funny, sopntaneous. At times I am logical, exremely emotional, and too bright for my own good. But rational I am not.
I look at my children (I have 4) the oldest two get into trouble but only for little stuff, I think they got their mother's voice of reason. The 3rd one I worry about, he has this sparkle in his eye... if you've ever seen one you know what I mean, if not you'll know it the first time you see it... I have the same sparkle... My mom always said she could tell how much trouble I should be in by how bright the sparkle was, and I was sick and needed to goto the Dr. if the sparkle was gone... Ajay has this sparkle, but a sparkle I can handle (i've got one myself)... However, my daughter scares me... she has no voice of reason
How much reason should a 2 year old have, I'm not sure. But we have called poision controll 7 times in the last 2 years six of them on here. SHe is my only child to break a bone... she has been able to climb out of her crib since she was one. She can open every child proof lock in the house (her secret pull harder or get something to pry it off) did I mention she is two... Small apes could learn a thing or two about simple tools from this girl... My boys all have dart tag guns, she sits int the middle of the floor (with them screaming and crying) while she tears all the tips off of the darts... for no other reason than she can...
She scares me...
I do the thigs I do, because I don't know ho to not do them, Over the years I have never figured out how to stay out of trouble... I've just gotten really good at not getting caught. In another life I would have made an exccllent criminal or politician (not sure there is much difference). But in truth as much trouble as I get into, I like to play inside the rules, or at least within reach of them.
Yes I am the voice the screams in the middle of the night, "My bisquits are burning, my bisquits are burning."
But I am definately not, The Voice of Reason!
This is nothing like the voice of reason.
The voice of reason deals with right and wrong, the idea of lets not do that it could have consequences. The voice of reason considers what would be rational behavior and what are logical outcomes of any given situations...
No, my voice is not the voice of reason, it does not keep me out of trouble. On my best days it does however keep me from getting caught. I am quick thining, strong under pressure and good in a jam... My voice says, "No go left its faster, quick duck in here before they see us."
My voice is the one you here yelling, "...And I'd have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for those medling kids."
Yes, its true. I am a person of poor impusle control, an instant gratification seeking moron. I tend to leap first and then figure out where I am going to land. It tends to make my life very exciting but it also tends to put me in situations that the only way out of it, is to admit defeat or blaze on till victory or death. I struggle with internet addictions, even coke (cola) addictions, I bite my fingernails even though I know that I will tear them up into the quick...
So you ask me...
"ANdy, why do you drink, why do you blow smoke, why must you live out these songs that you wrote..."
Ok so maybe you didn't ask me that, but you get the point...
I could go with the flat easy answer... I have ADD. But the truth is the answer is not that easy. Most of the time there is a gap in my life. I have been trying lately to let God fill that gap, but it doesn't really seem to work... and yet here I sit.
So why do I still do things that I know are stupid, that I know that the voice of reason would say "Andy, don't do that." Because, I am not the voice of reason. It is not in my nature. I am impulsive, funny, sopntaneous. At times I am logical, exremely emotional, and too bright for my own good. But rational I am not.
I look at my children (I have 4) the oldest two get into trouble but only for little stuff, I think they got their mother's voice of reason. The 3rd one I worry about, he has this sparkle in his eye... if you've ever seen one you know what I mean, if not you'll know it the first time you see it... I have the same sparkle... My mom always said she could tell how much trouble I should be in by how bright the sparkle was, and I was sick and needed to goto the Dr. if the sparkle was gone... Ajay has this sparkle, but a sparkle I can handle (i've got one myself)... However, my daughter scares me... she has no voice of reason
How much reason should a 2 year old have, I'm not sure. But we have called poision controll 7 times in the last 2 years six of them on here. SHe is my only child to break a bone... she has been able to climb out of her crib since she was one. She can open every child proof lock in the house (her secret pull harder or get something to pry it off) did I mention she is two... Small apes could learn a thing or two about simple tools from this girl... My boys all have dart tag guns, she sits int the middle of the floor (with them screaming and crying) while she tears all the tips off of the darts... for no other reason than she can...
She scares me...
I do the thigs I do, because I don't know ho to not do them, Over the years I have never figured out how to stay out of trouble... I've just gotten really good at not getting caught. In another life I would have made an exccllent criminal or politician (not sure there is much difference). But in truth as much trouble as I get into, I like to play inside the rules, or at least within reach of them.
Yes I am the voice the screams in the middle of the night, "My bisquits are burning, my bisquits are burning."
But I am definately not, The Voice of Reason!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Ready to explode
I sit and I ponder and I wonder about the day,
conversations with friends that make me long to see them again,
I am trapped in this place, this moment of my life...
I am waiting to burst forth.
The energy inside me me builds,
The longer I am forced to sit andcontain it all,
Like the animals in the zoo I pace and stare and sit.
The passions deep inside surge as I long to be free...
I want to run, jump and play...
The energy keeps building as I dread the hours and moments that I am forced to hide.
I can not contain the energy building deep inside...
Every email, every text a cry to be released...
I must be fulfilled or wither away...
Spring has come and my blood has begun to boil with the new life it brings...
I am on fire inside and I can't contain it...
It bubbles over into everything I do...
And yet I feel that if I do not hold it back, it may consume me in fire...
The animal must be released or surley it will looses its savage nature...
I wonder if those animals we call pets, do they still hear the call of nature... Do they long to be free, do the smells and sights of spring excite them and make their blood boil...
Does their fate await us if sit in a cage too long.
Please set me free.....
conversations with friends that make me long to see them again,
I am trapped in this place, this moment of my life...
I am waiting to burst forth.
The energy inside me me builds,
The longer I am forced to sit andcontain it all,
Like the animals in the zoo I pace and stare and sit.
The passions deep inside surge as I long to be free...
I want to run, jump and play...
The energy keeps building as I dread the hours and moments that I am forced to hide.
I can not contain the energy building deep inside...
Every email, every text a cry to be released...
I must be fulfilled or wither away...
Spring has come and my blood has begun to boil with the new life it brings...
I am on fire inside and I can't contain it...
It bubbles over into everything I do...
And yet I feel that if I do not hold it back, it may consume me in fire...
The animal must be released or surley it will looses its savage nature...
I wonder if those animals we call pets, do they still hear the call of nature... Do they long to be free, do the smells and sights of spring excite them and make their blood boil...
Does their fate await us if sit in a cage too long.
Please set me free.....
Friday, April 9, 2010
Getting Old
The spring is gone the snap is dissapearing... my once impressive 32 inch verticle jump has dwindled to a mear 24. It could be the extra 20 pounds I am carrying, it could be the rubber bands don't pop quite like the used to... All I really know is that going up still feels amazing, I love to jump... In high school I was a 6' high jumper (should have been better, but I had horrible form) I was a twenty foot long jumper and a 40 foot tripple jumper... Not too bad for a 5'10" skinny white boy... Yes I still love to go up... I miss running the runway, I miss staring down the lane into the pit of sand... I miss the feel of gliding, coasting, sailing through the air... oh I I love to go up... but Lord does it hurt to come down...
Everytime I jump, I flinch knowing that I am going to land. My knees are shot, the cartlidge is gone, and in the stupidity of youth I still try to go up... oh how I hate to come down...
Today as I strive to maintain my strength and pride I challenge a young man twenty years younger and 4 inches taller than myself... he beat me by a good two inches, but more to the point he walked away with a smile on his face as I hid the pain that ran through my spine...
God, I love to go up!!! I can't wait for the day that I don't have to come down.
Everytime I jump, I flinch knowing that I am going to land. My knees are shot, the cartlidge is gone, and in the stupidity of youth I still try to go up... oh how I hate to come down...
Today as I strive to maintain my strength and pride I challenge a young man twenty years younger and 4 inches taller than myself... he beat me by a good two inches, but more to the point he walked away with a smile on his face as I hid the pain that ran through my spine...
God, I love to go up!!! I can't wait for the day that I don't have to come down.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Stars or crap
The way I see it allpaths in life lead the same place.... DEATH. So the true value in life is not where we end up but rather how we get there. This is not some long blog about Christian or non Christian, Jew or Catholic. BUt rather more of a worldly post about who and what you choose to be.
For every opportunity to succeed there exists the oppotunity to fail. The only way to avoid failure is to never try - what kind of life would that be.
I love the poster - "It is better to aim for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit it."
The greatest thing standing in the way of aiming for the stars is that we know that more than likely we will miss, and it is very hard to predict where we will actually land when we do miss. The thing is if you aim for the pile of crap right in front of you I think we all know exactly where you're going to end up.
Now don't get me a wrong, I am not a glory hound or adrenilin junkie - out chasing every moment of glory I can find. I live a very conservative life, in many ways I think I neither aimed for the stars or the pile of crap... I often pointed my arrow skywards and hesitated to let it fly.
But I know deep down inside that I am living a life without regrets. I am not famous, I have not found glory and riches. But I have pride in who I have become, I a have an amazing wife and four beautiful children. I spend my days helping others learn and achieve. I help them to aim for more than what lies before them.
I do not pity the astronauts that have died in balls of fire, I do not pity those rock stars and actors that have watched theirs lives implode around them, I do not pity the nascar driver the hits the wall doing 224mph, I do not pity the mother that dies in child birth. Their deaths cause me saddness, but I do not pity them. I pity the person that watches their life wither away, never knowing if their dreams were the reality that were just around the corner.
I would rather die in a ball of fire, than live in an abyss of nothingness.
For every opportunity to succeed there exists the oppotunity to fail. The only way to avoid failure is to never try - what kind of life would that be.
I love the poster - "It is better to aim for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit it."
The greatest thing standing in the way of aiming for the stars is that we know that more than likely we will miss, and it is very hard to predict where we will actually land when we do miss. The thing is if you aim for the pile of crap right in front of you I think we all know exactly where you're going to end up.
Now don't get me a wrong, I am not a glory hound or adrenilin junkie - out chasing every moment of glory I can find. I live a very conservative life, in many ways I think I neither aimed for the stars or the pile of crap... I often pointed my arrow skywards and hesitated to let it fly.
But I know deep down inside that I am living a life without regrets. I am not famous, I have not found glory and riches. But I have pride in who I have become, I a have an amazing wife and four beautiful children. I spend my days helping others learn and achieve. I help them to aim for more than what lies before them.
I do not pity the astronauts that have died in balls of fire, I do not pity those rock stars and actors that have watched theirs lives implode around them, I do not pity the nascar driver the hits the wall doing 224mph, I do not pity the mother that dies in child birth. Their deaths cause me saddness, but I do not pity them. I pity the person that watches their life wither away, never knowing if their dreams were the reality that were just around the corner.
I would rather die in a ball of fire, than live in an abyss of nothingness.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Breath
This past Sunday I heard a sermon that was a breath of fresh air... Actually that was kind of the point of the sermon... Deron preached a wonderful sermon on the idea of breath, and more to the point the life that the breath of God brings...
However, as I sat and pondered I wonder if I fell asleep and missed a point, or if there is just another point that he either did not consider or did not discuss. You see I think he missed a very imprtant concept dealing with breath and Christians.
HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
I can think of three times that we hold our breath: Before that first kiss, when we hold our breath in anticipation, when we swim under water and we strain to reach the otherside where we can burst forth and breath again, and when we hold our breath because we are uncertain whether or not the air around us is breathable.
If you have not seen the movie I high ly reccomend it. RED PLANET w/ Val Kilmer, but when they first arrive on Mars the run around running out of oxygen. They reach the point that they are gasping for breath inside their suits until one of them panics and opens his face mask only to realize that the air is breathable.
I think that often times we as Chrisitans hold our breath. We suck up as much of the Lord as we can and run out into the world, kicking and screaming with our lungs raedy to burst. We long to breath but are terrified of the horrors that will come when there is no air available. We stangle ouselves out of fear of suffication. Often times pushing ourselves to the point of passing out, and only in our panic are we forced to draw in a breath. And instead of drawing in a mouth of water, or toxic gas or even a nothingless vacuum, we are filled with the breath of God.
I am tired of holding my breath. I am tired of reaching for the otherside like it is something that I must get there before I can breath again. I think there is a reason that olympic swimmers swim on top of the water. They can swim so much farther and so much faster if they are breathing a long the way.
Lord please fill me with your breath, refresh my spirit and give me energy and strength to run the race to my fullest.
However, as I sat and pondered I wonder if I fell asleep and missed a point, or if there is just another point that he either did not consider or did not discuss. You see I think he missed a very imprtant concept dealing with breath and Christians.
HOLDING YOUR BREATH.
I can think of three times that we hold our breath: Before that first kiss, when we hold our breath in anticipation, when we swim under water and we strain to reach the otherside where we can burst forth and breath again, and when we hold our breath because we are uncertain whether or not the air around us is breathable.
If you have not seen the movie I high ly reccomend it. RED PLANET w/ Val Kilmer, but when they first arrive on Mars the run around running out of oxygen. They reach the point that they are gasping for breath inside their suits until one of them panics and opens his face mask only to realize that the air is breathable.
I think that often times we as Chrisitans hold our breath. We suck up as much of the Lord as we can and run out into the world, kicking and screaming with our lungs raedy to burst. We long to breath but are terrified of the horrors that will come when there is no air available. We stangle ouselves out of fear of suffication. Often times pushing ourselves to the point of passing out, and only in our panic are we forced to draw in a breath. And instead of drawing in a mouth of water, or toxic gas or even a nothingless vacuum, we are filled with the breath of God.
I am tired of holding my breath. I am tired of reaching for the otherside like it is something that I must get there before I can breath again. I think there is a reason that olympic swimmers swim on top of the water. They can swim so much farther and so much faster if they are breathing a long the way.
Lord please fill me with your breath, refresh my spirit and give me energy and strength to run the race to my fullest.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Track and Spring Break and what not
So we just finished Spring Break... and like my tax refund I gave the whole thing to my wife to do with as she pleased... THis was not so much to placate her as it was to resolve an age old argument. It seems that I am a control freak (not new news). But apparently I have always decided where and what we are spending our money on, whether or not I have discussed it with her. So this year we are going to do it her way. Oddly enough it is kind of liberating.
So Spring Break was interesting... Even though I am a control freak in many ways I actually love to be spontanteous, as long as I am not it charge of it. I know that creates an interesting conundrum (spelling?).
SO let me pontificate about myself and my odd personality type. The other day we had a man stand up at church to make an announcement, as part of his announcement he made the comment that He loves change as long as he is in charge of it, he said this as a joke, but I ahve know this man for years and he was not joking... he makes the average control freak look normal. BUt as I listend to what he said I thought you know I am just the opposite.... I love change as long as I am not in charge of it.
If I am in charge, which I do not like to be "In Charge" we will do it the same way we have always done it. I will make my list and we will knock it out slowly but very well. If someone else is "In Charge" I sit in the back and take control. But the truth is I don't like to make descisions that impact other people. I want someone else to make the descisions and then let me do it. I want to be in control of the execution of the plan, I hate being in charge of the plan.
SO this is no where near what I was going to blog about when I started. I would go back and change the title, but that just wouldn't be like me.
Plus I have not fully explored this topic and will have to come back to it. But right now I am at work and am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. So I will end here and return later to discuss why the world is round, and why God should be at the center of it... I guess in Truth the workd is round and God is at the Center of it... Just becuase we don't believe does not menat the the truth is not true.
So Spring Break was interesting... Even though I am a control freak in many ways I actually love to be spontanteous, as long as I am not it charge of it. I know that creates an interesting conundrum (spelling?).
SO let me pontificate about myself and my odd personality type. The other day we had a man stand up at church to make an announcement, as part of his announcement he made the comment that He loves change as long as he is in charge of it, he said this as a joke, but I ahve know this man for years and he was not joking... he makes the average control freak look normal. BUt as I listend to what he said I thought you know I am just the opposite.... I love change as long as I am not in charge of it.
If I am in charge, which I do not like to be "In Charge" we will do it the same way we have always done it. I will make my list and we will knock it out slowly but very well. If someone else is "In Charge" I sit in the back and take control. But the truth is I don't like to make descisions that impact other people. I want someone else to make the descisions and then let me do it. I want to be in control of the execution of the plan, I hate being in charge of the plan.
SO this is no where near what I was going to blog about when I started. I would go back and change the title, but that just wouldn't be like me.
Plus I have not fully explored this topic and will have to come back to it. But right now I am at work and am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. So I will end here and return later to discuss why the world is round, and why God should be at the center of it... I guess in Truth the workd is round and God is at the Center of it... Just becuase we don't believe does not menat the the truth is not true.
Monday, March 1, 2010
things that will never cease to amaze me
It will never cease to amaze me the things that students can break... how do you break a hot glue gun, a screw driver, a hammer... how do you hold a protractor for less than five minutes and break it?
It will never cease to amaze me at how little we support our schools... Everywhere I go people tell me how much the appreciate teachers and how committed I am to do so much for so little... they love to point out how under funded we are and how under paid we are, and yet if you ask them to approve a bond issue they freak out about paying more taxes...
It will never cease to amaze me at how much we place the rights of the masses over the rights of individuals... Don't I have the right to protect my kids from pornography, drugs and other such things... and yet the internet, television and radio go seemingly unchecked because of their right to say and publish whatever they want... I don't wnat the government to take over but I do want them to do their job...
On that same note it will never cease to amze me at the money our government can waste... did you know that the Missouri legilature spent days if not weeks debating (hours on the job) how to pronounce the name of the state... is it an "i" or an "e" or an "a" sound at the end. As if we didn't have more pressing matters for them to argue about. Maybe if we didn't pay the for the hours that they aren't actually working we couls use the money to balance the budget...
There are many things in life that
It will never cease to amaze me at how little we support our schools... Everywhere I go people tell me how much the appreciate teachers and how committed I am to do so much for so little... they love to point out how under funded we are and how under paid we are, and yet if you ask them to approve a bond issue they freak out about paying more taxes...
It will never cease to amaze me at how much we place the rights of the masses over the rights of individuals... Don't I have the right to protect my kids from pornography, drugs and other such things... and yet the internet, television and radio go seemingly unchecked because of their right to say and publish whatever they want... I don't wnat the government to take over but I do want them to do their job...
On that same note it will never cease to amze me at the money our government can waste... did you know that the Missouri legilature spent days if not weeks debating (hours on the job) how to pronounce the name of the state... is it an "i" or an "e" or an "a" sound at the end. As if we didn't have more pressing matters for them to argue about. Maybe if we didn't pay the for the hours that they aren't actually working we couls use the money to balance the budget...
There are many things in life that
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
In the end
THere are two points of view in this world that disagree like no two other groups I've heard of and they sware that they disagree from one end to the other and yet sometimes I wonder if they really disagree as much as they think they do.
One says there is a God and there is something greater in the ned to look forward to. Therefore they conclude that all those little things that we do every day matter. They make a difference in where we will end up when its all said and done... So they argue that this life is passing and all that really matters is what is to come and yet they preach that to get their you must do it right while you are here... so what really matters is what you are doing now...
I know its a circular logic, but wait I'm just getting started...
The second group argues that there is nothing after this so none of it really matters... but the truth is, if this is all there is then this is all that matters, which brings us back to the point that what really matter is the here and now...
Ofcourse I wonder if either of these groups is right or wrong, if you believe in predestination than nothing here or there matters because you can't change it... and if you can't change it then you might as well live with it, which means that today should be your biggest focus...
If you believe in reincarnation, and you don't know when you are going to die... it is in your best interest to be on your best behavior at the point at whcih you die, so it is in your best interest to focus on the here and now because there may be no tomorrow...
So it seems to me regardless of what you believe that tomorrow may hold, we all agree that today is the most important... So I ask you, what did you do today.
One says there is a God and there is something greater in the ned to look forward to. Therefore they conclude that all those little things that we do every day matter. They make a difference in where we will end up when its all said and done... So they argue that this life is passing and all that really matters is what is to come and yet they preach that to get their you must do it right while you are here... so what really matters is what you are doing now...
I know its a circular logic, but wait I'm just getting started...
The second group argues that there is nothing after this so none of it really matters... but the truth is, if this is all there is then this is all that matters, which brings us back to the point that what really matter is the here and now...
Ofcourse I wonder if either of these groups is right or wrong, if you believe in predestination than nothing here or there matters because you can't change it... and if you can't change it then you might as well live with it, which means that today should be your biggest focus...
If you believe in reincarnation, and you don't know when you are going to die... it is in your best interest to be on your best behavior at the point at whcih you die, so it is in your best interest to focus on the here and now because there may be no tomorrow...
So it seems to me regardless of what you believe that tomorrow may hold, we all agree that today is the most important... So I ask you, what did you do today.
Monday, February 22, 2010
Where do you find God?
I love to read and have read a wide variety of books over the years, and one title that stands out, even if the book itself does not is "Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance".
As I have looked through life and tried to write mey books and poetry and other pontifications I love to draw analogies to things in my life that I know well. One of the poems that I hold most dear is titled "The Useless Tool". In writing it I began to ponder tha philosophical question of where do we find God... What experiences do we draw on to define what God and religion and other things mean to us...
So... I FOUND GOD IN MY TOOLBOX. There are 100 references that I could draw here but I am going to point out some of the ones that I find most true in my understanding of God and this world.
Firt, every tool has a purpose. Even as I walk through the hardware store I can find tools that I have no idea what they are for, but that does not change the fact that the one who created it knows exactly what its for and how to use it.
Second, many tools can be used for many things. But, it is only in the hands of the master that the tool can truely fulfill its purpose.
Third, we must maintian our tools for them to work properly. If we let them get old and rusty, or if we let the blades where out they can cease to serve they purpose.
Fourth, even is we neglect our tools, with a little love and care they can be restored to perfect working condition.
Fifth and final for now, in order for the master to build his projects he will use all of the tools in his toolbox.
As I have looked through life and tried to write mey books and poetry and other pontifications I love to draw analogies to things in my life that I know well. One of the poems that I hold most dear is titled "The Useless Tool". In writing it I began to ponder tha philosophical question of where do we find God... What experiences do we draw on to define what God and religion and other things mean to us...
So... I FOUND GOD IN MY TOOLBOX. There are 100 references that I could draw here but I am going to point out some of the ones that I find most true in my understanding of God and this world.
Firt, every tool has a purpose. Even as I walk through the hardware store I can find tools that I have no idea what they are for, but that does not change the fact that the one who created it knows exactly what its for and how to use it.
Second, many tools can be used for many things. But, it is only in the hands of the master that the tool can truely fulfill its purpose.
Third, we must maintian our tools for them to work properly. If we let them get old and rusty, or if we let the blades where out they can cease to serve they purpose.
Fourth, even is we neglect our tools, with a little love and care they can be restored to perfect working condition.
Fifth and final for now, in order for the master to build his projects he will use all of the tools in his toolbox.
Full and empty at the same time
I am at a point that I find difficult to define. My brain is spinning with all of the thoughts and emotions and memories that have been bouncing through my head lately. My dreams are vivid and my energy is high... marriage is good, family is great... Medical problems seem few and far between, and we were even in a three car wreck the other day and we were the only car with little or no damage and none of us were hurt. The state tax refund has come in already so we can catch up on bills and yet for almost three days now I am speechless...
I can't seem to define whta it is going on inside me... aniticpation for spring and TRACK... I wish I could run, more so than past years I long to run and jump with the kids and yet I know my knees will scream in objection...
Every song I hear... just fires me up... Memories and passion run deep this time of year, as much as I love the snow there is something about Spring... Maybe its the landscaper in me, the Lawn and Garden show was this weekend. I didn't get to go and yet I know it was there...
I know that I am on the brink of one amazing blog... Stay tuned!!!!
I can't seem to define whta it is going on inside me... aniticpation for spring and TRACK... I wish I could run, more so than past years I long to run and jump with the kids and yet I know my knees will scream in objection...
Every song I hear... just fires me up... Memories and passion run deep this time of year, as much as I love the snow there is something about Spring... Maybe its the landscaper in me, the Lawn and Garden show was this weekend. I didn't get to go and yet I know it was there...
I know that I am on the brink of one amazing blog... Stay tuned!!!!
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Allow me to pontificate
I am just full of it today... I have finnaly gotten my calssroom cleaned up and organized enough, and gotten enough stuff done at home that the fog is lifting and the deep, thoughtful, arrogant, pompass, dreamer and cynic have all risen from their slumber and they need to be heard...
Deep thought of the minute...
The only way to enjoy the memory later is to have the experience now.
Deep thought of the minute...
The only way to enjoy the memory later is to have the experience now.
Invisible
I love the whole Star Trek Saga, from the original, through Next Generation, to Voyager and Deep Space Nine, even the newest Star Trek Enterprise... and I love the movies as well...
One of the things that intrigues me most is that some of the things that happened happened to every single crew... For instance, someone is working on, modify, breaking, or screwing up a cloaking device and two or three of the crew members end up in a parrallel dimesnion, or cloaked, or phased... so that they can see everyone else but no one can see them. In some of the cases they can even interact with the physical environment, moving objects and typing on the computers...
I'm not sure but I think one of my students must have stumbled across something, because I would sware I have become invisible. I keep dropping messages, reaching out to people and no one is responding. My emails go unanswered, texts unreturned... FB posts ignored... I even spoke to one of my administrators earlier and he didn't even turn to look at me... so if you read this and you want me to know that I have not shifted into another dimension, please respond....
One of the things that intrigues me most is that some of the things that happened happened to every single crew... For instance, someone is working on, modify, breaking, or screwing up a cloaking device and two or three of the crew members end up in a parrallel dimesnion, or cloaked, or phased... so that they can see everyone else but no one can see them. In some of the cases they can even interact with the physical environment, moving objects and typing on the computers...
I'm not sure but I think one of my students must have stumbled across something, because I would sware I have become invisible. I keep dropping messages, reaching out to people and no one is responding. My emails go unanswered, texts unreturned... FB posts ignored... I even spoke to one of my administrators earlier and he didn't even turn to look at me... so if you read this and you want me to know that I have not shifted into another dimension, please respond....
To everyone under 21
No you CAN NOT be whatever you want to be when you grow up... Just because you want to does not mean that you should, can or will. I am fed up with the attitude of todays youth which my generation and those before me are responsible for teaching them.
The truth is, and I do believe this, we all have the potential to be anything that we are willing to work to become. But is it sonly by kicking and screaming and working your tail off that you can, should or will get there. Wanting to be simply is not enough. No one is going to walk up and hand you anything... We do not live in a sitcom. We live in real life and those things in life that are truley worth having are worth working for.
So whether you want to be a doctor, go to the state track meet or just loose 10 lbs. You have been lied to. Wanting it is not enough. In my life I am one of the worst when it comes to conviction. There are many things that I would love to have, be, and or accomplish that frankly I don't have the drive to do them... But I also acknowledge that I am the only one to blame for the things I don't have. I have chosen the life before me, through the choices that lie behind me... And if I desire a life different than the one I have created I must make the choices and sacrfices that are needed to get there.
Jesus asked the rich young ruler to give up all that he had... not because there is something wrong with money but because Jesus new that money was standing between the life the man had and the life the man wanted... Unfortuantely the rich young ruler wanted the money more than he wanted a life with Christ.
So let me ask you... What do you WANT and what are you willing to do to get it.
Let me also clarify that I am not saying that all is fair in love and war and that you should do anything to get where you want to go... I am smart enough and talented enough that I could have been one of the greatest thiefs of our time, but I also know that the things I value most in this life are not worth the risk involved. In a lot of ways I love to gamble, but I refuse to gamble with my life and my family.
I would love to be an author and an artist, but not at the loss of my family. I have chosen what is most important to me... To make a difference in the world, by being a teacher and who knows maybe down the road I will find the conviction to accomplish some of the other things in my life.
The truth is, and I do believe this, we all have the potential to be anything that we are willing to work to become. But is it sonly by kicking and screaming and working your tail off that you can, should or will get there. Wanting to be simply is not enough. No one is going to walk up and hand you anything... We do not live in a sitcom. We live in real life and those things in life that are truley worth having are worth working for.
So whether you want to be a doctor, go to the state track meet or just loose 10 lbs. You have been lied to. Wanting it is not enough. In my life I am one of the worst when it comes to conviction. There are many things that I would love to have, be, and or accomplish that frankly I don't have the drive to do them... But I also acknowledge that I am the only one to blame for the things I don't have. I have chosen the life before me, through the choices that lie behind me... And if I desire a life different than the one I have created I must make the choices and sacrfices that are needed to get there.
Jesus asked the rich young ruler to give up all that he had... not because there is something wrong with money but because Jesus new that money was standing between the life the man had and the life the man wanted... Unfortuantely the rich young ruler wanted the money more than he wanted a life with Christ.
So let me ask you... What do you WANT and what are you willing to do to get it.
Let me also clarify that I am not saying that all is fair in love and war and that you should do anything to get where you want to go... I am smart enough and talented enough that I could have been one of the greatest thiefs of our time, but I also know that the things I value most in this life are not worth the risk involved. In a lot of ways I love to gamble, but I refuse to gamble with my life and my family.
I would love to be an author and an artist, but not at the loss of my family. I have chosen what is most important to me... To make a difference in the world, by being a teacher and who knows maybe down the road I will find the conviction to accomplish some of the other things in my life.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Just to ramble
sometimes I sit down to blog and my mind is full of things to say, and others my mind is completely blank and I just go about my day... other times my head is full of thoughts and ideas and lists and names and things that I just can't seem to get them put to gether into any usable form...
Had a teacher in high school with the folowing on her desk... "Make sure brain is in gear before engaging mouth."
Posted on a friends facebook this mornning... Best T-Shirt I've see: "I am a bomb technician if you see me running, try to keep up."
The quote on the bookmark lying on my desk... "It is never to late to become what you might have been."
the quote on my bathroom mirror... "Make the decisions that will create the future you disire"
I'll be back.
Had a teacher in high school with the folowing on her desk... "Make sure brain is in gear before engaging mouth."
Posted on a friends facebook this mornning... Best T-Shirt I've see: "I am a bomb technician if you see me running, try to keep up."
The quote on the bookmark lying on my desk... "It is never to late to become what you might have been."
the quote on my bathroom mirror... "Make the decisions that will create the future you disire"
I'll be back.
Thursday, February 11, 2010
A compulsive creature of habit
The interesting thing about this creature I have become... I am an impulsive spontaneous, compulsive creature of habit... I will drive the same way to work every day for six months, until one day I don't. FOr no reason whatsoever, I wake up get ready and go a completely different way and that is my new way to do it every day.
I like to organize the books on my bookshelves, typically by topic... until I can't find one and then I have to reorganize the whole system until they are by author... until I come in one day and finfd them visually dstracting and I reorganize the entire set by size and shape...
I like my routine, I want to do the same thing everyday. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, until I decide that I want to do something different.
I often find mysself in a struggle between the two people that inhabit this body... Some days he wins even when I am on my medication, some days I win even when I am off my medication... Some days we work together and compromise... I know that there are not two me's... and yet I can clearly see both of us.. I can tell youwhich descisions were made by which personality... And I can usually tell you whcih one is winning on any given day...
I am not insane, but I often wonder if that is only a matter of time. How long can two indivduals live in the same body before something gives out?
I like to organize the books on my bookshelves, typically by topic... until I can't find one and then I have to reorganize the whole system until they are by author... until I come in one day and finfd them visually dstracting and I reorganize the entire set by size and shape...
I like my routine, I want to do the same thing everyday. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, until I decide that I want to do something different.
I often find mysself in a struggle between the two people that inhabit this body... Some days he wins even when I am on my medication, some days I win even when I am off my medication... Some days we work together and compromise... I know that there are not two me's... and yet I can clearly see both of us.. I can tell youwhich descisions were made by which personality... And I can usually tell you whcih one is winning on any given day...
I am not insane, but I often wonder if that is only a matter of time. How long can two indivduals live in the same body before something gives out?
The blankness that overcomes
Wow - Where to begin?
Over the last few days I reached a point that I have been at many times before in my life, well at least over the last 15 years... (that's how long I've been on medication for ADD). I reached the point that my brain was litterally blank... basic info was about all I had, name, address - that kind of stuff. Any and all opinions, creativity, even some basic knowledge just seemed to have left...
LITTLE BIT OF BACKGROUND:
For everyone that knew me growing up they would argue without waiver that I am a type "B" personality... An extreme "B". I constantly loose things, I'm impulsive, horrible orginazation skills, wildly creative, outgoing - often to the point of being annoying. What many of them, including myself did not know was that I had Attention Deficeit Dissorder. My sophmore year in collge I began taking medication for ADD and my life changed... You see I am not so much a loud arrogant type "B" as I am a quiet up tight type "A". Yes the truth is I am an "A" personality trapped in an ADD mind. ANd for me this creates its own unique chaos.
Growing up all the chaos never bothered me, it was normal, it was what I knew. But the medication... That was different. I remembered things that needed to be done, I remembered things I had forgotten to remember, all of a sudden the chaos was in fact chaos and it bothered me. My friends changed, my habbits changed, my girl friend changed, my life changed - and I'm not sure that it was for the better. After twenty years of being the way I was, the medication was not enough to fix me, it merely made me aware of all the places I was broken...
I loved Cori, very deeply... I loved poetry, biking, my friends, cheerleading... But on the medication I was (am) different. For me creativity happens at light speed, my poems unravel inside my head like unwrapping a present, I just keep peeling layer after layer until I reach the gift inside. The medication slow me down... I can see the poems, but I can't get them unwrapped fast enough, as I struggle to dig through the layers... by the time I get it unraveled its gone. I broke up with Cori, quit cheerleading, changed my major... all because my world didn't seem the same and I wanted nothing to do with who I was, the old me be Damned... around that same time I even quit biking - to this point I had been riding 5 to 10 miles a day since I was 16 and many weekends I rode 30 to 40 miles... I blame the fact that my bike got stolen, but even when it was replaced, biking was too distracting, too off task... I couldn't enjoy it because I spent all my time focused on what wasn't getting done..
In fact, when I am on my medication that is the promary thing that consumes me... what am I not getting done... The medication also pointed out or brought to light a very odd learning dissability - I CAN NOT prioritize... huh? let me give you an example... (over exagerated)... the house is on fire and your shoe is untied... do you stop and tie your shoe so that you don't trip and die in the fire, or do you get out of the fire and forget about your shoe. As a result I began making lists, which was very helpful except that I have to do things in the order that they are on my list. Now over time I have learned that I can do item 15 even if one through ten are not done, however if too many things get done out of order I have to stop and rewrite my list so that they are in order or I will litterally shut down and stop functioning... Over the last few years my lists have gotten so long, often 2 or 3 typed pages that i have abbandoned trying to make my lists... they just depress me. I still keep a master list on the computer at imes though.
So- the blankness that overcomes. I started this semester with a week of pneumonia, I am teaching two classes that I have never taught before, my laptop with all my examples and documentation on it died, and I am planning my first field trip ever. Track season just started, I am now in charge of tech club, I am painting murals for my Mom that were supposed to be done two months ago. I found myself so far behind that I could no longer process what to do next...
This used to occurr once a week and last a week, then once a month, then once every couple of months... Now it happens every 6 to 8 months, and lasts a day or two... Te only way to overcome it is to make a list... short and detailed (only what has to be done today) and begin knocking things off my list... As I regain a since of control and organization my ability to think and process information returns...
So here I sit - preparring for the day making my list of what as to be done in the next 8 hours.
May your list be short and easy -
Over the last few days I reached a point that I have been at many times before in my life, well at least over the last 15 years... (that's how long I've been on medication for ADD). I reached the point that my brain was litterally blank... basic info was about all I had, name, address - that kind of stuff. Any and all opinions, creativity, even some basic knowledge just seemed to have left...
LITTLE BIT OF BACKGROUND:
For everyone that knew me growing up they would argue without waiver that I am a type "B" personality... An extreme "B". I constantly loose things, I'm impulsive, horrible orginazation skills, wildly creative, outgoing - often to the point of being annoying. What many of them, including myself did not know was that I had Attention Deficeit Dissorder. My sophmore year in collge I began taking medication for ADD and my life changed... You see I am not so much a loud arrogant type "B" as I am a quiet up tight type "A". Yes the truth is I am an "A" personality trapped in an ADD mind. ANd for me this creates its own unique chaos.
Growing up all the chaos never bothered me, it was normal, it was what I knew. But the medication... That was different. I remembered things that needed to be done, I remembered things I had forgotten to remember, all of a sudden the chaos was in fact chaos and it bothered me. My friends changed, my habbits changed, my girl friend changed, my life changed - and I'm not sure that it was for the better. After twenty years of being the way I was, the medication was not enough to fix me, it merely made me aware of all the places I was broken...
I loved Cori, very deeply... I loved poetry, biking, my friends, cheerleading... But on the medication I was (am) different. For me creativity happens at light speed, my poems unravel inside my head like unwrapping a present, I just keep peeling layer after layer until I reach the gift inside. The medication slow me down... I can see the poems, but I can't get them unwrapped fast enough, as I struggle to dig through the layers... by the time I get it unraveled its gone. I broke up with Cori, quit cheerleading, changed my major... all because my world didn't seem the same and I wanted nothing to do with who I was, the old me be Damned... around that same time I even quit biking - to this point I had been riding 5 to 10 miles a day since I was 16 and many weekends I rode 30 to 40 miles... I blame the fact that my bike got stolen, but even when it was replaced, biking was too distracting, too off task... I couldn't enjoy it because I spent all my time focused on what wasn't getting done..
In fact, when I am on my medication that is the promary thing that consumes me... what am I not getting done... The medication also pointed out or brought to light a very odd learning dissability - I CAN NOT prioritize... huh? let me give you an example... (over exagerated)... the house is on fire and your shoe is untied... do you stop and tie your shoe so that you don't trip and die in the fire, or do you get out of the fire and forget about your shoe. As a result I began making lists, which was very helpful except that I have to do things in the order that they are on my list. Now over time I have learned that I can do item 15 even if one through ten are not done, however if too many things get done out of order I have to stop and rewrite my list so that they are in order or I will litterally shut down and stop functioning... Over the last few years my lists have gotten so long, often 2 or 3 typed pages that i have abbandoned trying to make my lists... they just depress me. I still keep a master list on the computer at imes though.
So- the blankness that overcomes. I started this semester with a week of pneumonia, I am teaching two classes that I have never taught before, my laptop with all my examples and documentation on it died, and I am planning my first field trip ever. Track season just started, I am now in charge of tech club, I am painting murals for my Mom that were supposed to be done two months ago. I found myself so far behind that I could no longer process what to do next...
This used to occurr once a week and last a week, then once a month, then once every couple of months... Now it happens every 6 to 8 months, and lasts a day or two... Te only way to overcome it is to make a list... short and detailed (only what has to be done today) and begin knocking things off my list... As I regain a since of control and organization my ability to think and process information returns...
So here I sit - preparring for the day making my list of what as to be done in the next 8 hours.
May your list be short and easy -
Thursday, February 4, 2010
How do I greet thee...
To everyone I haven't seen since yesterday...
Odd question I know, but have you ever really considered it? I go to church with an older gentleman who is English... born and raised in South Africa, transplanted to England where he fiannly wandered to the states... Once in a conversation with a group he was talking about how he missed being greeted with a kiss (even by other men). After some thought I told him that he could kiss me anytime... In truth I think I would consider it an honor if he ever actually did greet me with a kiss... but to this day we still just shake hands...
But on that note have you ever considered the greeting.
I teach high school, I run into ex-girlfriends, I see some people every day, and I see people from long ago that i have deeply missed. They all get greeted differently...
SO how then shall I greet thee:
shall we bow in respect, bump knuckles with expldoing fingers (like I do with my students), shake hands with a nice firm grip, Bryce is a hugger (the full body embrace), do the half arm shake where we grip one anothers elbows? Do we kiss on the cheek (on the lips), just smile and grin, or do we act like my 2 and 4 year old and come screaming up from the basement over flowing with joy. And ofcourse we can't forget the give me five... hand shake... bump shoulders with a half hug move (you know who you are Ken)...
When that day comes that we meet again at the crossroads of life, how will you greet me? And I you...
I guess in many ways the "HOW" doesn't matter, so long as you realize that I have truley missed you and am overjoyed to see you again...
Odd question I know, but have you ever really considered it? I go to church with an older gentleman who is English... born and raised in South Africa, transplanted to England where he fiannly wandered to the states... Once in a conversation with a group he was talking about how he missed being greeted with a kiss (even by other men). After some thought I told him that he could kiss me anytime... In truth I think I would consider it an honor if he ever actually did greet me with a kiss... but to this day we still just shake hands...
But on that note have you ever considered the greeting.
I teach high school, I run into ex-girlfriends, I see some people every day, and I see people from long ago that i have deeply missed. They all get greeted differently...
SO how then shall I greet thee:
shall we bow in respect, bump knuckles with expldoing fingers (like I do with my students), shake hands with a nice firm grip, Bryce is a hugger (the full body embrace), do the half arm shake where we grip one anothers elbows? Do we kiss on the cheek (on the lips), just smile and grin, or do we act like my 2 and 4 year old and come screaming up from the basement over flowing with joy. And ofcourse we can't forget the give me five... hand shake... bump shoulders with a half hug move (you know who you are Ken)...
When that day comes that we meet again at the crossroads of life, how will you greet me? And I you...
I guess in many ways the "HOW" doesn't matter, so long as you realize that I have truley missed you and am overjoyed to see you again...
At Peace with the world
My three favorite places to be (with a 4th for good measure)...
Snow Skiing - high in the mountains the world blanketed in snow... Aspen and Spruce everywhere you look... especially when you get high up and the people this out and it is just me and I can hear the silence, and if you are very still I beleive you can feel the breath of God...
On the lake - hot summer afternoon, not a cloud in the sky... in the middle of the week so the traffic is down. S series of small ripples on the water and you can lay back and feel the warmth of God's smile. The clean crisp smell of the water... surrounded by openess...
Hunting- in a tree stand or on the ground... the peacfullnes of the woods just after daybreak. When the world wakes up and no one knows your there. The squirrels and birds start to play, eventually the rabbits and larger animals will start to roam and there is not a care in the world.
and the fourth sounds different but it is the same...
I love to be in the middle of a crowd (by myself). To step back and watch as I can see the world in choas knowing that at that moment I am at peace.
I love Psychology tests... but the most interesting thing that I have discovered about myself is that I test as neither an introvert nor an extrovert. The truth be told I love people, and I love silence... I love to goto the movies by myself... and I love to hunting with a group of friends...
I had a counselor tell me once that I was and extroverted introvert... that I am an Introvert by nature that loves to be around people.
Happy Thursday... its almost the weekend.
Snow Skiing - high in the mountains the world blanketed in snow... Aspen and Spruce everywhere you look... especially when you get high up and the people this out and it is just me and I can hear the silence, and if you are very still I beleive you can feel the breath of God...
On the lake - hot summer afternoon, not a cloud in the sky... in the middle of the week so the traffic is down. S series of small ripples on the water and you can lay back and feel the warmth of God's smile. The clean crisp smell of the water... surrounded by openess...
Hunting- in a tree stand or on the ground... the peacfullnes of the woods just after daybreak. When the world wakes up and no one knows your there. The squirrels and birds start to play, eventually the rabbits and larger animals will start to roam and there is not a care in the world.
and the fourth sounds different but it is the same...
I love to be in the middle of a crowd (by myself). To step back and watch as I can see the world in choas knowing that at that moment I am at peace.
I love Psychology tests... but the most interesting thing that I have discovered about myself is that I test as neither an introvert nor an extrovert. The truth be told I love people, and I love silence... I love to goto the movies by myself... and I love to hunting with a group of friends...
I had a counselor tell me once that I was and extroverted introvert... that I am an Introvert by nature that loves to be around people.
Happy Thursday... its almost the weekend.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
What I believe
Sometimes I write random things in word documents just as self declarations and then I read the later and agree or disagree with what I may or may not have believed so many days, months or years ago...
Sometimes as I have become addicted to FB I have posted these thoughts in what I credited to the "Pontificating Fool" or the "Facebook Prophet"... This morning I was reading a couple of things that I had written several months ago and I'm not sure if they ever got posted on FB or not... But seeing as how this is my blog and there are very few people (if any) that actually read this... I am going to post them here because I can...
First: Over the last several months my life has been full of storms... I have often equated my life to that of Jonah. I often feel like I am in the belly of the whale waiting for God, thankful to be out of the sea yet not sure whats going to happen next. But before you can find yourself in the belly of the whale you must first pass through the storms... I find it interesting that the faith of Jonah was not unlike that of Jesus. In both stories, as the sailed through unimaginable storms... while everyone else panicked... they slept. Their faith that everything was ok, everything was in the hands of God allowed them to sleep in the midst of the storm... I think more often than not I am like the sailors and the apostles... I panick in the storm. I beg and plead and pray that God will save us, instead of being at peace, knowing that GOd has already saved us...
For a long time, most of my life in fact... I have prayed that God would make my life peaceful that he would stop the chaos... I now believe that the power of the spirit (the true power of the spirit) is not to make our lives peaceful but rather to allow us to ba at peace in the midst of chaos...
SO my prayer for you is not that God will bring you peace, but rather that he will allow you to "Be At Peace" wherever you are.
SECOND: I have come to believe that Christ was not perfect... yes you heard me correctly... don't run off yet! You see I reached this conclusion by deductive reasoning and rational thought... The Bible says that we should be like Christ, it also tells us that Christ was Human... and over the years I have strived to be perfect like Christ, and as a human I know that I can never achieve perfection. This futility brings fear and doubt. The realization that Christ was in fact Human, there-by NOT PERFECT... leads me to the conclusion that he was an imperfect being that made perfect choices...
He chose to not look at pornography...
He chose to help the poor...
He chose to heal the sick...
and he chose to go to the cross...
I can never be perfect... but I can make perfect descisions (or at least try to). I can chose to be a better husband, I can chose to be a better father, I can chose to not steal, or cheat, or lie... I may not be able to goto the cross and save the world... But I can show the cross to the world and maybe save a few...
May today be brighter than your yesterday.
Sometimes as I have become addicted to FB I have posted these thoughts in what I credited to the "Pontificating Fool" or the "Facebook Prophet"... This morning I was reading a couple of things that I had written several months ago and I'm not sure if they ever got posted on FB or not... But seeing as how this is my blog and there are very few people (if any) that actually read this... I am going to post them here because I can...
First: Over the last several months my life has been full of storms... I have often equated my life to that of Jonah. I often feel like I am in the belly of the whale waiting for God, thankful to be out of the sea yet not sure whats going to happen next. But before you can find yourself in the belly of the whale you must first pass through the storms... I find it interesting that the faith of Jonah was not unlike that of Jesus. In both stories, as the sailed through unimaginable storms... while everyone else panicked... they slept. Their faith that everything was ok, everything was in the hands of God allowed them to sleep in the midst of the storm... I think more often than not I am like the sailors and the apostles... I panick in the storm. I beg and plead and pray that God will save us, instead of being at peace, knowing that GOd has already saved us...
For a long time, most of my life in fact... I have prayed that God would make my life peaceful that he would stop the chaos... I now believe that the power of the spirit (the true power of the spirit) is not to make our lives peaceful but rather to allow us to ba at peace in the midst of chaos...
SO my prayer for you is not that God will bring you peace, but rather that he will allow you to "Be At Peace" wherever you are.
SECOND: I have come to believe that Christ was not perfect... yes you heard me correctly... don't run off yet! You see I reached this conclusion by deductive reasoning and rational thought... The Bible says that we should be like Christ, it also tells us that Christ was Human... and over the years I have strived to be perfect like Christ, and as a human I know that I can never achieve perfection. This futility brings fear and doubt. The realization that Christ was in fact Human, there-by NOT PERFECT... leads me to the conclusion that he was an imperfect being that made perfect choices...
He chose to not look at pornography...
He chose to help the poor...
He chose to heal the sick...
and he chose to go to the cross...
I can never be perfect... but I can make perfect descisions (or at least try to). I can chose to be a better husband, I can chose to be a better father, I can chose to not steal, or cheat, or lie... I may not be able to goto the cross and save the world... But I can show the cross to the world and maybe save a few...
May today be brighter than your yesterday.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Ring
I have to add this - I was inspired by another... Maybe, if enough people read this and pray my ring will return.
I was not happy in high school, I was bored and unsettled. So I dropped out of High School and went to college early. As a graduation present (drop out present) my parents bought me a class ring (my dad designed it). It was a smaller design, I have small hands (for a guy). It was a thin gold band that thicked on the top and leveled off with a flat top. Set in the top in the shape of a rectangle was a narrow band of Bloodstone. In the center was a small diamond.
The gold ring represented family, life, love, me... those things that keep going on. The bloodstone (a dark green stone with swirls of red through it) represented the sin and impurity in life. And the diamond represented the PURITY and STRENGTH of Chirst.
Once I got married, I often wore it in place of my wedding band.
Over the years my ADD has plauged me with missplacing things that are very dear to me, but somehow this ring has (had) always been there. I've missplaced it several times. At one point just after we were married I misplaced the ring for close to a year. After a particularly difficult couple of days I prayed that God would provide me with some assurance that he was in fact still there. A few days later we were visiting my parents house and as I walked through the basement I rolled a pool ball across the table and as it fell into the pocket I heard a clink. Going over to check out the clink I found my ring in the bottom of the pocket. This is not the only time this ring has reappeared by what could only be described as a miracle.
Sadly, about five years ago we were at the fair. I took off my ring and placed it in my pocket so that I could climb the repelling wall. When we reached the car about 45 min later, my ring was no longer in my pocket. On several occasions I have gone out and wandered the fair grounds, hoping that a rain storm might uncover it... and I still sometimes call out and ask if anyone has turned it in... Who knows. I believe that it is within Gods power.
Maybe some day I can replace it, or who knows maybe it will come home.
I was not happy in high school, I was bored and unsettled. So I dropped out of High School and went to college early. As a graduation present (drop out present) my parents bought me a class ring (my dad designed it). It was a smaller design, I have small hands (for a guy). It was a thin gold band that thicked on the top and leveled off with a flat top. Set in the top in the shape of a rectangle was a narrow band of Bloodstone. In the center was a small diamond.
The gold ring represented family, life, love, me... those things that keep going on. The bloodstone (a dark green stone with swirls of red through it) represented the sin and impurity in life. And the diamond represented the PURITY and STRENGTH of Chirst.
Once I got married, I often wore it in place of my wedding band.
Over the years my ADD has plauged me with missplacing things that are very dear to me, but somehow this ring has (had) always been there. I've missplaced it several times. At one point just after we were married I misplaced the ring for close to a year. After a particularly difficult couple of days I prayed that God would provide me with some assurance that he was in fact still there. A few days later we were visiting my parents house and as I walked through the basement I rolled a pool ball across the table and as it fell into the pocket I heard a clink. Going over to check out the clink I found my ring in the bottom of the pocket. This is not the only time this ring has reappeared by what could only be described as a miracle.
Sadly, about five years ago we were at the fair. I took off my ring and placed it in my pocket so that I could climb the repelling wall. When we reached the car about 45 min later, my ring was no longer in my pocket. On several occasions I have gone out and wandered the fair grounds, hoping that a rain storm might uncover it... and I still sometimes call out and ask if anyone has turned it in... Who knows. I believe that it is within Gods power.
Maybe some day I can replace it, or who knows maybe it will come home.
Lost with in
I love to write poetry, several years ago I wrote two poems... One titled "lost within" and the other titled "If I only knew"... who'd of thought that so many years later I would come full cirlce and find myself writing the same poems over again.
I started two different poems over the last couple of days and life hasn't allowed me the creativity to finish them. Stress seems to stiffle creativity, for me at least. If I get the poems finished I will post them.
On that note though, seeing as how I haven't posted in a while I thought I would write a note about what the poems center around. The truth is I'm not happy, I don't mean that in an "I'm Depressed" kind of fashion... I mean like most people i have happy days and I have sad days. For the most part I am a feeler, my life revolves around dreams, and feelings... its about a deeper desire, emotions that I attatch to everyday things. I know people that want to experience life, I know people that want to live their life, I know people that want to ignore their life...
I WANT TO FEEL MY LIFE!
both poems have the same general idea... what do you see when you look at me? Do you see my effort, my successes and failures. Do you see the stress and the fear. DO you see my doubts in my self as a father and a husband? Do you see a realist, a dreamer, a cynic. Do you see my struggles to pay my bills.
Do you see the artist, the lover, the poet. The dreams that lie deep inside me. DO you see the joy that I get from seeing my father play with my kids. Do youe see my passion for Christ and for God. Does anyone really see me, the me that was there before the stress, before the failures, before the loss?
It is by the same process that we can polish a stone to a perfect finish that we can wear it away down to nothing.
I miss "ME".
Missing:
6'0, Brown Hair, Brown Eyes, full of love and compassion, last seen dreaming. May be in the possesion of poetry, music, art supplies, and a bible. Last seen wearing jeans, looney toons t-shirt and cowboy boots.
If you have seen this person please let me know.
I started two different poems over the last couple of days and life hasn't allowed me the creativity to finish them. Stress seems to stiffle creativity, for me at least. If I get the poems finished I will post them.
On that note though, seeing as how I haven't posted in a while I thought I would write a note about what the poems center around. The truth is I'm not happy, I don't mean that in an "I'm Depressed" kind of fashion... I mean like most people i have happy days and I have sad days. For the most part I am a feeler, my life revolves around dreams, and feelings... its about a deeper desire, emotions that I attatch to everyday things. I know people that want to experience life, I know people that want to live their life, I know people that want to ignore their life...
I WANT TO FEEL MY LIFE!
both poems have the same general idea... what do you see when you look at me? Do you see my effort, my successes and failures. Do you see the stress and the fear. DO you see my doubts in my self as a father and a husband? Do you see a realist, a dreamer, a cynic. Do you see my struggles to pay my bills.
Do you see the artist, the lover, the poet. The dreams that lie deep inside me. DO you see the joy that I get from seeing my father play with my kids. Do youe see my passion for Christ and for God. Does anyone really see me, the me that was there before the stress, before the failures, before the loss?
It is by the same process that we can polish a stone to a perfect finish that we can wear it away down to nothing.
I miss "ME".
Missing:
6'0, Brown Hair, Brown Eyes, full of love and compassion, last seen dreaming. May be in the possesion of poetry, music, art supplies, and a bible. Last seen wearing jeans, looney toons t-shirt and cowboy boots.
If you have seen this person please let me know.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Been a while
When I started this thing I wasn't sure how often I was going to post. The truth is that I have attentention deficiet dissorder and I am not the most organized of people. I would like to think that I have worthy thoughts on a regular basis. But honestly I have been so busy lately that what thoughts I have had have very quickly been trampled over by the hustle and bustle of everyday life.
Maybe with a little time I will develope a regular time to sit down and solitify my thoughts.
Until later...
May your dreams come true, your nightmares fade away, and may you find tomorrow what you've lost today.
Maybe with a little time I will develope a regular time to sit down and solitify my thoughts.
Until later...
May your dreams come true, your nightmares fade away, and may you find tomorrow what you've lost today.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
