THere have been several times in my life that I call AhhhHaaa moments. I can only really describe these moments as "God Spoke to me" I have never actually heard his voice... they happen something like this...
I talk to myself, quite often and sometimes quite loudly. I also talk to God, I sometimes talk to Orion (The constalation), sometimes I talk to the moon. I talk to Jesus and the Spirit. I have even beem know to talk to lost relatives. And oh yes, I talk to plants and animals.
Most of these conversations are me working the clutter and chaos out of my head, and often as I do I am posing questions or summing my life up in analogies. If I can create an analogy it makes it easier to get it out of my head. Most of the time I find myself asking questions that I have no way of kowing the answer to... which brings me to my 3 Ahhh Haaa's. A few times as I have been having my talks with God I have possed a question that even before I have finished asking I just know the answer. THere is no doubt, there is no reasking, there is just a peace that I know the answer... I think I have blooged about these before so I won't go into detail, but in a nutshell:
#1 - Dear God I am in over my head, I am drowning and I can not do this;
"No your not, the water is only knee deep. Just stand up and quit atcing like a baby."
#2 - I can not get out of this hole, there is no way that I can survive this and nothing that I am doing is getting me closer. I'm working my tail off and things are just getting worse.
"Andy, if you really want to get out of the hole you need to let go of the shovel, step away from the shovel, quit digging, oh for Pete's sake would you put down the shovel already."
#3 - Dear God I am so tired of the whinning, my kids are whinning, every body at work is whinning, the bank wants their money, I'm behind on my grades... the is rediculous, no body should be asked to do this, my wife just keeps naggin and nagging...
"Andy, would you please stop whinning."
Which brings me to the 4th Ahhh Haaa.
Lately things have been getting very stressful as I imagine they are for most of the country if not a large part of the world. And I think like many people I have been flooding the airwaves with prayer after prayer. Prayers of need, prayers of request, prayers of anger and doubt... and the good ones too. Prayers of thanks and prayers of love... But I have been getting discouraged as of late as it seems that so many of my prayers are not being answered. It has even seemed that I'm not even getting no's. I'm feel like I'm getting the I'm sorry all lines are busy please call back later. Over the last few days I have even started to share with God that I am having doubts. I am doubting him, I am doubting myself. If God answeres the prayers of righteous men does that mean that I am not righteous...
And as I got into the car this morning I possed my question one more time, "God why have you started ignoring me... why are you not answering my prayers.
"Andy, which prayer would you like for me to answer. You prayed that you would give up everything in your life if you could just be great at something, and I have made you a teacher. You prayed that I would make you humble and I have given you many opportunities for humility. You prayed that I not make you rich because you didn't think you could handle it and I have given you just enough. You prayed that everything would be allright, that your kids would be healty, that I would guide you and lead you. What is it exactly that you have prayed for that I have not given you. Would you please begin specifying which prayers you would like for me to answer and which prayers you would like for me to ignore."
I find myself humbled, and encouraged. I may not have everything I want. But I have everything I need. And when you get right down to it... I have most everything I want too.
It was a long day, but it was a good day.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
Sorting the Chaos
Chaos is a big topic with me, I guess because I feel like I have lived my entire life within a state of chaos. The byproduct of my ADD multiplied by my personaltiy, complicated with a bit of OCD on the side.
How do you sort your Chaos... I imagine the movie "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner as he stands on the Picthers mound and he "Clears the mechanism" the method he uses to tune out and sort all of the chaos.
I believe that chaos is what stands in our way. It keeps up from thinking, it keeps us from producing, it keeps us from loving...
The Chaos that porn creates keeps us from trully loving, we get lost in the shroud of chaos called lust... At work we overload ourselves with projects and deadlines and business. Yes these are (or can be) part of our job... But our productuvuty gets burried in clutterd chaos of business. When I get home, and the TV is going, and all the lights are on, and all 4 kids are talking and both computers are going with games and movies and noise, there are dishes to do and lawns to be mowed and things to be fixed... And my family gets lost in the eruption of chaos...
I have three main ways I deal with the Chaos:
One - the internal chaos of my mind. I have to start by reducing the visual clutter, the more colors and angles and stuff in my world the more clutter their is in my head. Thoughts begin to overlap and messages get confused... imagine doing your homework in the mall food court at lunchtime... AsI reduce the visual clutter, for each thing I put away I file something or get something out of my head...
two - the business of my life. Hunting. I go and i sit, a single purpose, a single thought. All of the sounds are about listening, waiting. The cold air brings you home... nothing else matters... Its about waiting not about doing... as I do this, as I sit it no longer matter what is now and what is later, so I sit and one by one I read all of my internal mail and I clear out my lists.
three - writing. So many time I think that this blog shows me as a sad worried overwelmed person. And at times thats exactly who I am . But the truth of the matter is that so often God speaks to me when I write, as I type my questions I find that I know the answer before I even finish typing, and as I tell of how all hope is lost, by the time I am done I have abandonded my self pity and know that my hope is in things eternal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...
It was a long day, but the night has come, and I am still here. Tomorrow the sun will rise and God expects us to be the best... Because he knows we can be.
I do not know how the bills will get paid, I do not know how I am going to get everything done, I don't know how I will ever trully overcome addiction, but I do know that My father loves me deeply and a) he expects me to give it my very best and b) he knows I am going to fail and when I do he will pick me up and set me back on my path.
Goal #1 write a happy blog...
How do you sort your Chaos... I imagine the movie "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner as he stands on the Picthers mound and he "Clears the mechanism" the method he uses to tune out and sort all of the chaos.
I believe that chaos is what stands in our way. It keeps up from thinking, it keeps us from producing, it keeps us from loving...
The Chaos that porn creates keeps us from trully loving, we get lost in the shroud of chaos called lust... At work we overload ourselves with projects and deadlines and business. Yes these are (or can be) part of our job... But our productuvuty gets burried in clutterd chaos of business. When I get home, and the TV is going, and all the lights are on, and all 4 kids are talking and both computers are going with games and movies and noise, there are dishes to do and lawns to be mowed and things to be fixed... And my family gets lost in the eruption of chaos...
I have three main ways I deal with the Chaos:
One - the internal chaos of my mind. I have to start by reducing the visual clutter, the more colors and angles and stuff in my world the more clutter their is in my head. Thoughts begin to overlap and messages get confused... imagine doing your homework in the mall food court at lunchtime... AsI reduce the visual clutter, for each thing I put away I file something or get something out of my head...
two - the business of my life. Hunting. I go and i sit, a single purpose, a single thought. All of the sounds are about listening, waiting. The cold air brings you home... nothing else matters... Its about waiting not about doing... as I do this, as I sit it no longer matter what is now and what is later, so I sit and one by one I read all of my internal mail and I clear out my lists.
three - writing. So many time I think that this blog shows me as a sad worried overwelmed person. And at times thats exactly who I am . But the truth of the matter is that so often God speaks to me when I write, as I type my questions I find that I know the answer before I even finish typing, and as I tell of how all hope is lost, by the time I am done I have abandonded my self pity and know that my hope is in things eternal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...
It was a long day, but the night has come, and I am still here. Tomorrow the sun will rise and God expects us to be the best... Because he knows we can be.
I do not know how the bills will get paid, I do not know how I am going to get everything done, I don't know how I will ever trully overcome addiction, but I do know that My father loves me deeply and a) he expects me to give it my very best and b) he knows I am going to fail and when I do he will pick me up and set me back on my path.
Goal #1 write a happy blog...
The chaos of the spirit
So I wonder if I should call this a retraction...
An interesting point came out sunday as we sat in class discussing the book of acts and other of Paul's letters. There was disorder within the church and Paul was providing intruction for obtaining and maintaining order. But if you look closley the disorder and the chaos was caused by the spirit, well at least spirit led.
What do I mean...
Paul states that when they are prophesying that one should not speak on top of the other, that they should wait for one to finish or when another stands up the first should sit down... he gives other expamples and make other similar points... and I ponder this thought...
Why would the Spirit give more than one person stuff to say at the same time... why wouldn't the spirit finish with one person before lifting up the next. At the same time if it does no good to speak in tounges with no one to interpret, why would the Spirit gift somone with tongues with out gifting an interpreter. It would seem that these things would create chaos, and in fact Paul says that they do. He instructs us to not use our gifts in a chaotic fashion...
Along the same note, why would the spirit ever give two different people two different things to say at the same time, and would they ever contradict each other.
....
I keep praying for the Spirit to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos... and I keep finding myself in the midst of chaos...
....
It was a long day.
....
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A piece of artwork, with beauty and order, and chaos. And don't tell me that God didn't create the chaos. I have often created artwork, and not once has there ever been anything in the piece that wasnt the result of something I did. We, you, me, everything in this world is the result of the master artist applying his brush to the canvas.
An interesting point came out sunday as we sat in class discussing the book of acts and other of Paul's letters. There was disorder within the church and Paul was providing intruction for obtaining and maintaining order. But if you look closley the disorder and the chaos was caused by the spirit, well at least spirit led.
What do I mean...
Paul states that when they are prophesying that one should not speak on top of the other, that they should wait for one to finish or when another stands up the first should sit down... he gives other expamples and make other similar points... and I ponder this thought...
Why would the Spirit give more than one person stuff to say at the same time... why wouldn't the spirit finish with one person before lifting up the next. At the same time if it does no good to speak in tounges with no one to interpret, why would the Spirit gift somone with tongues with out gifting an interpreter. It would seem that these things would create chaos, and in fact Paul says that they do. He instructs us to not use our gifts in a chaotic fashion...
Along the same note, why would the spirit ever give two different people two different things to say at the same time, and would they ever contradict each other.
....
I keep praying for the Spirit to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos... and I keep finding myself in the midst of chaos...
....
It was a long day.
....
In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A piece of artwork, with beauty and order, and chaos. And don't tell me that God didn't create the chaos. I have often created artwork, and not once has there ever been anything in the piece that wasnt the result of something I did. We, you, me, everything in this world is the result of the master artist applying his brush to the canvas.
Now what?
I have reached a moment when I know not what to do next. Lets compare life to running a race, or in the terms the bible uses running the good race.
I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.
I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.
They want, no the need to finish the race.
For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.
I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.
Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.
I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.
It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...
Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.
I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.
I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.
They want, no the need to finish the race.
For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.
I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.
Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.
I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.
It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...
Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.
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