The blankness that overcomes

Wow - Where to begin?

Over the last few days I reached a point that I have been at many times before in my life, well at least over the last 15 years... (that's how long I've been on medication for ADD). I reached the point that my brain was litterally blank... basic info was about all I had, name, address - that kind of stuff. Any and all opinions, creativity, even some basic knowledge just seemed to have left...

LITTLE BIT OF BACKGROUND:

For everyone that knew me growing up they would argue without waiver that I am a type "B" personality... An extreme "B". I constantly loose things, I'm impulsive, horrible orginazation skills, wildly creative, outgoing - often to the point of being annoying. What many of them, including myself did not know was that I had Attention Deficeit Dissorder. My sophmore year in collge I began taking medication for ADD and my life changed... You see I am not so much a loud arrogant type "B" as I am a quiet up tight type "A". Yes the truth is I am an "A" personality trapped in an ADD mind. ANd for me this creates its own unique chaos.

Growing up all the chaos never bothered me, it was normal, it was what I knew. But the medication... That was different. I remembered things that needed to be done, I remembered things I had forgotten to remember, all of a sudden the chaos was in fact chaos and it bothered me. My friends changed, my habbits changed, my girl friend changed, my life changed - and I'm not sure that it was for the better. After twenty years of being the way I was, the medication was not enough to fix me, it merely made me aware of all the places I was broken...

I loved Cori, very deeply... I loved poetry, biking, my friends, cheerleading... But on the medication I was (am) different. For me creativity happens at light speed, my poems unravel inside my head like unwrapping a present, I just keep peeling layer after layer until I reach the gift inside. The medication slow me down... I can see the poems, but I can't get them unwrapped fast enough, as I struggle to dig through the layers... by the time I get it unraveled its gone. I broke up with Cori, quit cheerleading, changed my major... all because my world didn't seem the same and I wanted nothing to do with who I was, the old me be Damned... around that same time I even quit biking - to this point I had been riding 5 to 10 miles a day since I was 16 and many weekends I rode 30 to 40 miles... I blame the fact that my bike got stolen, but even when it was replaced, biking was too distracting, too off task... I couldn't enjoy it because I spent all my time focused on what wasn't getting done..

In fact, when I am on my medication that is the promary thing that consumes me... what am I not getting done... The medication also pointed out or brought to light a very odd learning dissability - I CAN NOT prioritize... huh? let me give you an example... (over exagerated)... the house is on fire and your shoe is untied... do you stop and tie your shoe so that you don't trip and die in the fire, or do you get out of the fire and forget about your shoe. As a result I began making lists, which was very helpful except that I have to do things in the order that they are on my list. Now over time I have learned that I can do item 15 even if one through ten are not done, however if too many things get done out of order I have to stop and rewrite my list so that they are in order or I will litterally shut down and stop functioning... Over the last few years my lists have gotten so long, often 2 or 3 typed pages that i have abbandoned trying to make my lists... they just depress me. I still keep a master list on the computer at imes though.

So- the blankness that overcomes. I started this semester with a week of pneumonia, I am teaching two classes that I have never taught before, my laptop with all my examples and documentation on it died, and I am planning my first field trip ever. Track season just started, I am now in charge of tech club, I am painting murals for my Mom that were supposed to be done two months ago. I found myself so far behind that I could no longer process what to do next...

This used to occurr once a week and last a week, then once a month, then once every couple of months... Now it happens every 6 to 8 months, and lasts a day or two... Te only way to overcome it is to make a list... short and detailed (only what has to be done today) and begin knocking things off my list... As I regain a since of control and organization my ability to think and process information returns...

So here I sit - preparring for the day making my list of what as to be done in the next 8 hours.

May your list be short and easy -