Writers Block

I'm not really sure what writers block is... but I woudl guess its something like this...

The magic act

I'm not sure how much you believe in magic. I know that I love illusions, but growing up it was often to decide what was illussion and what was real. I wanted to learn magic but there was one thing that I could never figure out...

The first time that a magician did a dissapearing act, how did they get back?

I feel like sometimes in my life I am a magician learning new tricks and often times I learn the first part of the trick without considering the flip side. Its like planning a trip to Mars figureing that we will figure out how to get home once we get there.

I am so often in my life taking on newer and better and greater things and many times the things that I am already committed to suffer.

But today, I am back!

I think that over the last three months I have allowed myself to slip into a deeper depression than I have been in for quite some time. Not a depression of saddness but one of apathy. I have had very litle desire to do much of anything. I have had a few shinning moments, but alas I slide back into a world void of desire and energy.

Today I rise from the ashes. The Pheonix lives again.

The Mighty Blue Wizard is refreshed and rejuvinated ready to conquer all that lies before me.

God be praised! For in him we are saved. We can rise from our lives of aorrow and pain and live eternally.

The Good Samaratin

Have you ever wondered what the Good Samaratin story would look like today? I think so many of us consider ourselves to be good people, and we would even go so far as to place ourselves in the role of the good samaratin. You stop and give a beggar five dollars, you take clothes to the shelter, you give your 10% (plus some) back to church... and so on and so on...

You know there were a lot of people in both the Old and New Testament that did all of these things and more... and yet their stories are not glorified in the Bible in the form of a parable for all generations to model after...

The Good Samaratin... He didn't just stop and check to see if he was ok... he didn't just give him a few bucks and send him off... He pciked him up, clothed him, bathed him, transported him to safety and provided the means for him to be safe and recover from his experience...

In todays litagation happy society, we all seem so interested in, "How do I get mine..." When was the last time you witnessed someone putting themselves out there for the sake of someone elses well being... beter yet when was the last time you truelly put yourself out there for someone elses well being... I must admit that for the last several years and even more so lately, I have been putting myself in the role of the man on the side of the road waiting for someone to help me... I have been consumed in my own pitty party, that I'm not even sure that I have noticed those that have really needed my help.

What would he look like today... would he pay for somone's hospital stay... would he pay their utility bill, buy them clothes, fix their house, pay their rent, fix their car... How far would the Good Samaratin go? He didn't just buy the man a meal...

--- Dear Lord my Father, my Friend, my Savior.... Dear Lord my KING, I bow before you and ask for your mercy, I have not been a faithful servant and I pray that you will forgive my transgressions... Lord, guide my spirit and lift me out of my own self-pity and let me be the servant you have asked me to be. Thankyou for all that you have put in my life. In Jesus's name...

Marriage

Same day different topic...

As I look around me and see what the world thinks of marriage and love and relationships, I hope that my wife and I are more of an influence on my children than the world is...

My wife and I have been married for a 15 1/2 years for one and only one reason. We swore before God, family and friends that we were commitng the rest of our live together. We have not always loved each other, we have not even always liked each other. There are days that we can not even stand to be in the same room as each other.

But somwhere deep down inside I know that this is life. There is no one in this world that I can say I want to spend every waking moment of everyday of my life with. We are all going to disagree, we are all going to fight. The difference between my wife and the rest of the world is that I never swore to love the rest of teh world for eternity.

I love my wife more than life itself. Yes, there are things about her that drive me insane, there are parts of her life and personality that make me want to scream. But, I am not so ignorant to believe that she does not feel the same way about me.

I do not know what the future may hold and I can not swear that nothing will ever drive us apart... But, I can swear that it won't happen without a fight...

I am here because I love her...
I am here because I promised I would be...
I am here becase God expects me to be...

I AM HERE!

where are you?

Haunted

Have you ever been haunted by dreams... I don't know that there is really a point to this blog but hey its mine and I can write whatever I want to right...

The last few days I have been haunted by my dreams... I wake up feeling lost and disconected. When I was little I put a lot into my dreams or rather I read a lot into my dreams. There were many times that I felt that God direclty answered my prayers in my dreams... there were other times that I would see the future in my dreams... Many people don't believe me when I say this but its true... there were times when I would dream entire days and then they would unfold exactly as they had in my dream...

Later in life I was put on anti-depressants for a short time... this completely warped my dreams... I was dreaming in all five senses. Boy was that a trip...

For the better part of my life I have had extreme cases of Deja Vu...

But none of these are what I am experincing right now. I am dreaming about long lost friends, past events, places and people and things that I have not seen or thought of in many many years. The dreams themselves are not bad, its not like bad dreams or dreams of people dieing... they just leaving me wondering. What is going on in my subconcious, or is God trying to talk to me...

Half of me wants to go back to sleep so that I can find the answers... half of me dreads the night because I am tired of dreaming the same places and people...

Over the last 6 months to a year I have been praying that God would return to me gifts that I seem to have posessed as a child but that I lost somwhere along the way... Maybe these dreams are an answer to those prayers, but the images without understanding are leaving me worried and concerned for what is coming, or what I may have already left behind.

--

Be safe my friends, hold your dear ones close.

Movie moments that define who I would like to be

Maybe its the idealist in me, or the dreamer coming to light... But there are many time that movies touch me. They inspire in me those moments of greatness, moments of reflection, they are the moments that I will never forget because they are me... It is as if the writer reached inside my soul and said the words that I could have never come up with on my own...

4 come to mind but there are many more.

#1 Gene Hackman - Loose Cannons
As he sits talking to Dan Ackroyd he breaks into a moment of quoting Dylan Thomas...

Do not go gentle in that good night, rage rage against the dying of the light.

As they then sit back and howl at the night.



#2 Coach Carter - Our Deepest Fear

Although often attributed to Nelson Mandela the orginal source of this is debated. But this presentation in the movie Coach Carter is one of the most amazing dramatic presentations I have ever seen.




#3 The Never Ending Story
I often pride myself on my ability to fix things. There are no problems that I can's understand or work out a solution to. I remeber as a kid, my fascination with my dad's hands and how big and strong they are. And as a shop teacher and a father my own hands are what I use to communicate, to build, to help... A few years ago, my hands started to hurt, and I can not do many of the things that I would like as well as I would like... This movie is one of my greatest fears... what if I can't protect my family because I'm not strong enough...



and #4 last for now...

The Entire Movie - The Breakfast Club...

Because I am brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. The dreamer, the realest, the idealist, the cynic...

A design Critque for God

I have decided I do not like God's design. After several years's of architecure grad school and plenty of time in architecture, enigineering and desing build landscape firms, plus my current experience as a design teacher I beleive that I am qualified to offer my critque of God's design...

My first comment is that I beleive most of the problem lies within the presentation. I can see where he has put in the work, there really is a lot if detail and exxcellnt design qualities to the piece. But the presentation has been left a little vague and open ended.

I think he has done a marvelous job at combing textures, colors, even scents and tastes to create a well balanced peice as a whole. But Again I would criticize the fact that he made the peice large enough that most viewers cannot see the whole picture and are often left viewing pieces that are too sharp in contrast, are extrememly out of balance, or have no visual interest whatsoever.

My second major point is that I beleive that he left too much of the piece incomplete. One can make the argument that it is project that is in progress or even that it is a living piece therefore it is always changing. But for the viewer this can often cause confusion and dissoriotnation as pieces that seemed to fit yesterday not seem out of place or contrasting to their original posisition.

My final complaint has to with how the plan plays out on an individual basis. ALthough there are major implications that the piece was designed attention and detail on even the smallest part, it is often quite difficult to break the pice apart and see what he intended for the pieces (without the overall picture, the indiviual pieces seem to loose value and serve no function) this goes back to my earlier comment that the piece is soooo large that most viewers are not able to see the piece in its entirety.

---

Ok so maybe I'm not qualified to evaluate God's work. I am just so tired of not being able to see the big picture, and tell me Ohhh go read the Bible, God tells you all about it... If that's your answer you are either not listening to me or you are an idiot... What I mean by big picture ----

I am in a hole, a hole that I dug. I created this hole through a combination of greed, pride, and fighting for survival. I have (am) doing everything I can as I continue to jump through hoop afte hoop and plod through red tape after red tape... and the truth is I have done everything I can do... And you know what God is not going to fix it as least not in a "I dream of Jeanie" fashion. I am in God's hands. That is the only way I am going to get through this. BUt the how's and the when's and where's and the what's are parts of the plan that he does not always let us see... or maybe sometime's we are just standing too close to the painting...


Always dream, always hope, beleive in everything... these are where creativity lives.

To babble or not to babble

Shall I pontificate...

Over the last few motnhs I have had a very interesting experience. I have gone from being one of the most liberal members of my congregation to one of the most conservative without changing my position. In some ways I guess it has probably been going on for longer than a few months, and I just had my eyes closed.

As I sit and ponder things that are changing within in the congregation, I read emails that are exchanged, I sit and listen to messages from he pulpit... I must say that I bounce from confused, to inspired, to concerned, to out right offended.

My first complaint... What's wrong with tradition? What's wrong with the way it was. I'm not saying it was perfect, but I was discussing this with a friend the other day. If we were raised under the old system, and we turned out OK, then what is the foundation for the argument that the old way was so screwed up. Is it wrong that I am bothered by these things... I will admit that many of the things that have offended mehave nothing to do with religion, that is why I have not left. Yet when others tell me that I am wrong for being offended... Well that really doesn't sit right either.

My second complaint... If they say that God is leading them to say and do the things that they are doing, and I believe that God leading me to say the things that I am saying and doing... then why is the assumption immediately that I am wrong.

I know that I believe the following:
- There is a line in the sand, and you must be on the right side if you are going to go to heaven.
- I do not know where that line is and it is possible that I am in the wrong.
- Jesus Christ is the son of Go and you must believe in him and be baptized for the forgivness of your sins to go to heaven.
- I beleive that many who beleive the are saved, are not actually saved (and yes it is possible that I am in that catagory)

Now I do not live my life in fear, I do not serve and cruel and destructive God. But I am concerned for the path that we take seems much to broad and too highly traveled. For the bible tells us that the path is narrow and the travelers are few.

I am not saying that I think that those that are leading my congregation are wrong and I am not saying that those that are pushing for change are wrong... But I am concerned by the boldness with which those who disagree are being told that they are wrong.

Even now I must admit that I am holding back many of the things that I wish to say because I know that my personal feelings are feeding my frustration. I pray that over the next few days, weeks, months that God will bless me with the words to say the things that he wishes me to say and not the things that I am interested in saying.

The biggest lie you were ever told....

I just had a conversation with a dear friend who asked me if I would come talk to her daughter about taking medication for ADD. I don't know the whole story only that she has been on medication in the past, and has decided that she does not want to take it anymore...

I have been on medication for ADD since my sophmore year of college. A few years ago I started having liver problems and in an attempt to give my body time to heal itself I was taken off all of my ADD meds... we went 3 months without making a house payment... we had the money, I just forgot to write the check. I had never had to be an adult off of medication and I was not prepared for it... needless to say I am back on medication...

But back to the original request... And my side bar...

I understand, or at least I think I understand what this youg lady is feeling. Why do I have to take medication to be normal???

None of us what it pointed out that we are not normal, we want our lives to be exactly like everyone elses. In many ways I think we all do it. We want to know why our lives are so much harder than everyone elses. We assume that we are the only one struggling, or the only one that is affraid... that we are the only one that "fill in the blank".

THE TRUTH IS YOU ARE NOT NORMAL!!!!

The biggest lie that any of us are ever told is that we are normal. For the better part of my life I told people that I had voices in my head, Not like the insane "I har voices", but just that there were conversations in my head... ALWAYS. THe response, oh that's normal. Everybody thinks to themselves, or everybody talks to themselves at some point. The first time I ever took ritilin I sat in my room at colleg and cried... I turned off every piece of electronics and for the first time in my life I actually heard silence. The thought that went through my head... "So this is normal."

For many of you that previous statement makes no since what-so-ever... For others you know exactly what I mean.

I have heard people tell me that they don't want to be dependant on medication... diabetics, ADD, depression... alone, no friends, no body would understand me...

Consider these two statments...
EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT
I WANT TO BE NORMAL

Conclusion: Your life sucks, deal with it. You're not normal, deal with it.

Medication makes my life easier. It does not make me normal. No thing, no force on earth could ever make me normal, nor do I want it to. I am really good at what I do because I am not like everbody else.

The biggest lie that you were ever told: IS THAT IT ISPOSSIBLE TO BE NORMAL.

you are you. I can never understand what it means to be you. I can never be black, I can never understand what it means to be black and even if I could make myself black I would still not feel and see the same things that an african-american sees and feels. We often say that "to walk a mile in somebody's shoes" ALthoug I agree this can help us to sympathize or empathize, we still don't understand exactly what somebody else felt.

Truth is relative. There is no normal, there is only chaos. Each one of us has to learn to deal with chaos as only we can. It's called growing up.

Seek out weirdness, strive to be different, look for those ways that make you YOU. Because only you can.

Exclamation points and question marks

As with the beginning of each new year we, or at least I, begin to question all the things in our life that we want to change. In truth the first day of the new year is just another day in our lives no different than the one boefore or the one after it. Yet, it symbolizes an opportunity to start over, to change all those things that we meant to do last year and never got around to.

Loosing weight, getting in shape, making old contacts, finishing a book... the possibilities for a new year are endless.

For me, as I contimplate this next year a couple of unrelated ideas have been on my mind that have finnally melded into one genreal idea and concept for the year.

#1 - We are broke, we have got to find some source of additional income, and time is limited, between teaching and coaching and four kids its going to be tough to find an additional source of income.

#2 - I have started to get back into reading (don't know why I ever quit) but as I have I have had a stronger and stronger desire to start writing again (both this blog and to finish my novel - which is on year four now...)

#3 - the overwheliming idea that my life is full of questions...

My overall conclusion and guiding force for this year is to live this year as an exclamation point and not a question mark. When I leave this world, whether tomorrow or 60 years from now I want my life to have been an " I DID !!!" not an overwhelming question mark of " WHAT IF ????"

Could I, Should I.... Yes I can and I should, and so should you. Make this year abour doing. I have decided that I would rather have this blow up in my face at the potential of success than sit around just guessing.

So - Mondays will be blogging day.... Tuesdays and Thursdays will be writing day... Get ready because I am about to explode and I am taking the rest of you with me.