In the end

THere are two points of view in this world that disagree like no two other groups I've heard of and they sware that they disagree from one end to the other and yet sometimes I wonder if they really disagree as much as they think they do.

One says there is a God and there is something greater in the ned to look forward to. Therefore they conclude that all those little things that we do every day matter. They make a difference in where we will end up when its all said and done... So they argue that this life is passing and all that really matters is what is to come and yet they preach that to get their you must do it right while you are here... so what really matters is what you are doing now...

I know its a circular logic, but wait I'm just getting started...

The second group argues that there is nothing after this so none of it really matters... but the truth is, if this is all there is then this is all that matters, which brings us back to the point that what really matter is the here and now...

Ofcourse I wonder if either of these groups is right or wrong, if you believe in predestination than nothing here or there matters because you can't change it... and if you can't change it then you might as well live with it, which means that today should be your biggest focus...

If you believe in reincarnation, and you don't know when you are going to die... it is in your best interest to be on your best behavior at the point at whcih you die, so it is in your best interest to focus on the here and now because there may be no tomorrow...

So it seems to me regardless of what you believe that tomorrow may hold, we all agree that today is the most important... So I ask you, what did you do today.

Where do you find God?

I love to read and have read a wide variety of books over the years, and one title that stands out, even if the book itself does not is "Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance".

As I have looked through life and tried to write mey books and poetry and other pontifications I love to draw analogies to things in my life that I know well. One of the poems that I hold most dear is titled "The Useless Tool". In writing it I began to ponder tha philosophical question of where do we find God... What experiences do we draw on to define what God and religion and other things mean to us...

So... I FOUND GOD IN MY TOOLBOX. There are 100 references that I could draw here but I am going to point out some of the ones that I find most true in my understanding of God and this world.

Firt, every tool has a purpose. Even as I walk through the hardware store I can find tools that I have no idea what they are for, but that does not change the fact that the one who created it knows exactly what its for and how to use it.

Second, many tools can be used for many things. But, it is only in the hands of the master that the tool can truely fulfill its purpose.

Third, we must maintian our tools for them to work properly. If we let them get old and rusty, or if we let the blades where out they can cease to serve they purpose.

Fourth, even is we neglect our tools, with a little love and care they can be restored to perfect working condition.

Fifth and final for now, in order for the master to build his projects he will use all of the tools in his toolbox.

Full and empty at the same time

I am at a point that I find difficult to define. My brain is spinning with all of the thoughts and emotions and memories that have been bouncing through my head lately. My dreams are vivid and my energy is high... marriage is good, family is great... Medical problems seem few and far between, and we were even in a three car wreck the other day and we were the only car with little or no damage and none of us were hurt. The state tax refund has come in already so we can catch up on bills and yet for almost three days now I am speechless...

I can't seem to define whta it is going on inside me... aniticpation for spring and TRACK... I wish I could run, more so than past years I long to run and jump with the kids and yet I know my knees will scream in objection...

Every song I hear... just fires me up... Memories and passion run deep this time of year, as much as I love the snow there is something about Spring... Maybe its the landscaper in me, the Lawn and Garden show was this weekend. I didn't get to go and yet I know it was there...

I know that I am on the brink of one amazing blog... Stay tuned!!!!

Allow me to pontificate

I am just full of it today... I have finnaly gotten my calssroom cleaned up and organized enough, and gotten enough stuff done at home that the fog is lifting and the deep, thoughtful, arrogant, pompass, dreamer and cynic have all risen from their slumber and they need to be heard...

Deep thought of the minute...

The only way to enjoy the memory later is to have the experience now.

Invisible

I love the whole Star Trek Saga, from the original, through Next Generation, to Voyager and Deep Space Nine, even the newest Star Trek Enterprise... and I love the movies as well...

One of the things that intrigues me most is that some of the things that happened happened to every single crew... For instance, someone is working on, modify, breaking, or screwing up a cloaking device and two or three of the crew members end up in a parrallel dimesnion, or cloaked, or phased... so that they can see everyone else but no one can see them. In some of the cases they can even interact with the physical environment, moving objects and typing on the computers...

I'm not sure but I think one of my students must have stumbled across something, because I would sware I have become invisible. I keep dropping messages, reaching out to people and no one is responding. My emails go unanswered, texts unreturned... FB posts ignored... I even spoke to one of my administrators earlier and he didn't even turn to look at me... so if you read this and you want me to know that I have not shifted into another dimension, please respond....

To everyone under 21

No you CAN NOT be whatever you want to be when you grow up... Just because you want to does not mean that you should, can or will. I am fed up with the attitude of todays youth which my generation and those before me are responsible for teaching them.

The truth is, and I do believe this, we all have the potential to be anything that we are willing to work to become. But is it sonly by kicking and screaming and working your tail off that you can, should or will get there. Wanting to be simply is not enough. No one is going to walk up and hand you anything... We do not live in a sitcom. We live in real life and those things in life that are truley worth having are worth working for.

So whether you want to be a doctor, go to the state track meet or just loose 10 lbs. You have been lied to. Wanting it is not enough. In my life I am one of the worst when it comes to conviction. There are many things that I would love to have, be, and or accomplish that frankly I don't have the drive to do them... But I also acknowledge that I am the only one to blame for the things I don't have. I have chosen the life before me, through the choices that lie behind me... And if I desire a life different than the one I have created I must make the choices and sacrfices that are needed to get there.

Jesus asked the rich young ruler to give up all that he had... not because there is something wrong with money but because Jesus new that money was standing between the life the man had and the life the man wanted... Unfortuantely the rich young ruler wanted the money more than he wanted a life with Christ.

So let me ask you... What do you WANT and what are you willing to do to get it.

Let me also clarify that I am not saying that all is fair in love and war and that you should do anything to get where you want to go... I am smart enough and talented enough that I could have been one of the greatest thiefs of our time, but I also know that the things I value most in this life are not worth the risk involved. In a lot of ways I love to gamble, but I refuse to gamble with my life and my family.

I would love to be an author and an artist, but not at the loss of my family. I have chosen what is most important to me... To make a difference in the world, by being a teacher and who knows maybe down the road I will find the conviction to accomplish some of the other things in my life.

Just to ramble

sometimes I sit down to blog and my mind is full of things to say, and others my mind is completely blank and I just go about my day... other times my head is full of thoughts and ideas and lists and names and things that I just can't seem to get them put to gether into any usable form...

Had a teacher in high school with the folowing on her desk... "Make sure brain is in gear before engaging mouth."

Posted on a friends facebook this mornning... Best T-Shirt I've see: "I am a bomb technician if you see me running, try to keep up."

The quote on the bookmark lying on my desk... "It is never to late to become what you might have been."

the quote on my bathroom mirror... "Make the decisions that will create the future you disire"

I'll be back.

A compulsive creature of habit

The interesting thing about this creature I have become... I am an impulsive spontaneous, compulsive creature of habit... I will drive the same way to work every day for six months, until one day I don't. FOr no reason whatsoever, I wake up get ready and go a completely different way and that is my new way to do it every day.

I like to organize the books on my bookshelves, typically by topic... until I can't find one and then I have to reorganize the whole system until they are by author... until I come in one day and finfd them visually dstracting and I reorganize the entire set by size and shape...

I like my routine, I want to do the same thing everyday. It makes me feel safe and comfortable, until I decide that I want to do something different.

I often find mysself in a struggle between the two people that inhabit this body... Some days he wins even when I am on my medication, some days I win even when I am off my medication... Some days we work together and compromise... I know that there are not two me's... and yet I can clearly see both of us.. I can tell youwhich descisions were made by which personality... And I can usually tell you whcih one is winning on any given day...

I am not insane, but I often wonder if that is only a matter of time. How long can two indivduals live in the same body before something gives out?

The blankness that overcomes

Wow - Where to begin?

Over the last few days I reached a point that I have been at many times before in my life, well at least over the last 15 years... (that's how long I've been on medication for ADD). I reached the point that my brain was litterally blank... basic info was about all I had, name, address - that kind of stuff. Any and all opinions, creativity, even some basic knowledge just seemed to have left...

LITTLE BIT OF BACKGROUND:

For everyone that knew me growing up they would argue without waiver that I am a type "B" personality... An extreme "B". I constantly loose things, I'm impulsive, horrible orginazation skills, wildly creative, outgoing - often to the point of being annoying. What many of them, including myself did not know was that I had Attention Deficeit Dissorder. My sophmore year in collge I began taking medication for ADD and my life changed... You see I am not so much a loud arrogant type "B" as I am a quiet up tight type "A". Yes the truth is I am an "A" personality trapped in an ADD mind. ANd for me this creates its own unique chaos.

Growing up all the chaos never bothered me, it was normal, it was what I knew. But the medication... That was different. I remembered things that needed to be done, I remembered things I had forgotten to remember, all of a sudden the chaos was in fact chaos and it bothered me. My friends changed, my habbits changed, my girl friend changed, my life changed - and I'm not sure that it was for the better. After twenty years of being the way I was, the medication was not enough to fix me, it merely made me aware of all the places I was broken...

I loved Cori, very deeply... I loved poetry, biking, my friends, cheerleading... But on the medication I was (am) different. For me creativity happens at light speed, my poems unravel inside my head like unwrapping a present, I just keep peeling layer after layer until I reach the gift inside. The medication slow me down... I can see the poems, but I can't get them unwrapped fast enough, as I struggle to dig through the layers... by the time I get it unraveled its gone. I broke up with Cori, quit cheerleading, changed my major... all because my world didn't seem the same and I wanted nothing to do with who I was, the old me be Damned... around that same time I even quit biking - to this point I had been riding 5 to 10 miles a day since I was 16 and many weekends I rode 30 to 40 miles... I blame the fact that my bike got stolen, but even when it was replaced, biking was too distracting, too off task... I couldn't enjoy it because I spent all my time focused on what wasn't getting done..

In fact, when I am on my medication that is the promary thing that consumes me... what am I not getting done... The medication also pointed out or brought to light a very odd learning dissability - I CAN NOT prioritize... huh? let me give you an example... (over exagerated)... the house is on fire and your shoe is untied... do you stop and tie your shoe so that you don't trip and die in the fire, or do you get out of the fire and forget about your shoe. As a result I began making lists, which was very helpful except that I have to do things in the order that they are on my list. Now over time I have learned that I can do item 15 even if one through ten are not done, however if too many things get done out of order I have to stop and rewrite my list so that they are in order or I will litterally shut down and stop functioning... Over the last few years my lists have gotten so long, often 2 or 3 typed pages that i have abbandoned trying to make my lists... they just depress me. I still keep a master list on the computer at imes though.

So- the blankness that overcomes. I started this semester with a week of pneumonia, I am teaching two classes that I have never taught before, my laptop with all my examples and documentation on it died, and I am planning my first field trip ever. Track season just started, I am now in charge of tech club, I am painting murals for my Mom that were supposed to be done two months ago. I found myself so far behind that I could no longer process what to do next...

This used to occurr once a week and last a week, then once a month, then once every couple of months... Now it happens every 6 to 8 months, and lasts a day or two... Te only way to overcome it is to make a list... short and detailed (only what has to be done today) and begin knocking things off my list... As I regain a since of control and organization my ability to think and process information returns...

So here I sit - preparring for the day making my list of what as to be done in the next 8 hours.

May your list be short and easy -

How do I greet thee...

To everyone I haven't seen since yesterday...

Odd question I know, but have you ever really considered it? I go to church with an older gentleman who is English... born and raised in South Africa, transplanted to England where he fiannly wandered to the states... Once in a conversation with a group he was talking about how he missed being greeted with a kiss (even by other men). After some thought I told him that he could kiss me anytime... In truth I think I would consider it an honor if he ever actually did greet me with a kiss... but to this day we still just shake hands...

But on that note have you ever considered the greeting.

I teach high school, I run into ex-girlfriends, I see some people every day, and I see people from long ago that i have deeply missed. They all get greeted differently...

SO how then shall I greet thee:

shall we bow in respect, bump knuckles with expldoing fingers (like I do with my students), shake hands with a nice firm grip, Bryce is a hugger (the full body embrace), do the half arm shake where we grip one anothers elbows? Do we kiss on the cheek (on the lips), just smile and grin, or do we act like my 2 and 4 year old and come screaming up from the basement over flowing with joy. And ofcourse we can't forget the give me five... hand shake... bump shoulders with a half hug move (you know who you are Ken)...

When that day comes that we meet again at the crossroads of life, how will you greet me? And I you...

I guess in many ways the "HOW" doesn't matter, so long as you realize that I have truley missed you and am overjoyed to see you again...

At Peace with the world

My three favorite places to be (with a 4th for good measure)...

Snow Skiing - high in the mountains the world blanketed in snow... Aspen and Spruce everywhere you look... especially when you get high up and the people this out and it is just me and I can hear the silence, and if you are very still I beleive you can feel the breath of God...

On the lake - hot summer afternoon, not a cloud in the sky... in the middle of the week so the traffic is down. S series of small ripples on the water and you can lay back and feel the warmth of God's smile. The clean crisp smell of the water... surrounded by openess...

Hunting- in a tree stand or on the ground... the peacfullnes of the woods just after daybreak. When the world wakes up and no one knows your there. The squirrels and birds start to play, eventually the rabbits and larger animals will start to roam and there is not a care in the world.

and the fourth sounds different but it is the same...

I love to be in the middle of a crowd (by myself). To step back and watch as I can see the world in choas knowing that at that moment I am at peace.


I love Psychology tests... but the most interesting thing that I have discovered about myself is that I test as neither an introvert nor an extrovert. The truth be told I love people, and I love silence... I love to goto the movies by myself... and I love to hunting with a group of friends...

I had a counselor tell me once that I was and extroverted introvert... that I am an Introvert by nature that loves to be around people.

Happy Thursday... its almost the weekend.

What I believe

Sometimes I write random things in word documents just as self declarations and then I read the later and agree or disagree with what I may or may not have believed so many days, months or years ago...

Sometimes as I have become addicted to FB I have posted these thoughts in what I credited to the "Pontificating Fool" or the "Facebook Prophet"... This morning I was reading a couple of things that I had written several months ago and I'm not sure if they ever got posted on FB or not... But seeing as how this is my blog and there are very few people (if any) that actually read this... I am going to post them here because I can...

First: Over the last several months my life has been full of storms... I have often equated my life to that of Jonah. I often feel like I am in the belly of the whale waiting for God, thankful to be out of the sea yet not sure whats going to happen next. But before you can find yourself in the belly of the whale you must first pass through the storms... I find it interesting that the faith of Jonah was not unlike that of Jesus. In both stories, as the sailed through unimaginable storms... while everyone else panicked... they slept. Their faith that everything was ok, everything was in the hands of God allowed them to sleep in the midst of the storm... I think more often than not I am like the sailors and the apostles... I panick in the storm. I beg and plead and pray that God will save us, instead of being at peace, knowing that GOd has already saved us...

For a long time, most of my life in fact... I have prayed that God would make my life peaceful that he would stop the chaos... I now believe that the power of the spirit (the true power of the spirit) is not to make our lives peaceful but rather to allow us to ba at peace in the midst of chaos...

SO my prayer for you is not that God will bring you peace, but rather that he will allow you to "Be At Peace" wherever you are.

SECOND: I have come to believe that Christ was not perfect... yes you heard me correctly... don't run off yet! You see I reached this conclusion by deductive reasoning and rational thought... The Bible says that we should be like Christ, it also tells us that Christ was Human... and over the years I have strived to be perfect like Christ, and as a human I know that I can never achieve perfection. This futility brings fear and doubt. The realization that Christ was in fact Human, there-by NOT PERFECT... leads me to the conclusion that he was an imperfect being that made perfect choices...

He chose to not look at pornography...
He chose to help the poor...
He chose to heal the sick...
and he chose to go to the cross...

I can never be perfect... but I can make perfect descisions (or at least try to). I can chose to be a better husband, I can chose to be a better father, I can chose to not steal, or cheat, or lie... I may not be able to goto the cross and save the world... But I can show the cross to the world and maybe save a few...

May today be brighter than your yesterday.