The Belly of the Whale

He said go left… and I went right.
He said, “It’s safer by day.”
I traveled by night.
He pointed to the mountains way out west.”
I said, “That way is rocky,
I think this way is best.”
He gives me directions to lead me each day
And most of the time
I’ll go the other way.
I’m not sure why, I act the way I do.
Questioning and doubting,
What he tells me to do.
He said, “Take the road,” but I set sail
And so here I sit…
In the belly of the whale.

Sometimes I think I spend most of my time in the Belly of the Whale... If we look at Jonah we can see that he is happier in the Belly of the Whale than he is when he is doing what God has called him to do. He serves in reluctance. I am tired of sitting in the whale. I am tired of resenting God for calling me to be his. I want to serve him with every ounce of my being.

The Voice of reason

Oh no, I am not the voice of reason... the voice of reason would never be in the truoble that I find myself in... Yes, I am the voice of "Oh crap lets get out of here, the Cops are coming."

This is nothing like the voice of reason.

The voice of reason deals with right and wrong, the idea of lets not do that it could have consequences. The voice of reason considers what would be rational behavior and what are logical outcomes of any given situations...

No, my voice is not the voice of reason, it does not keep me out of trouble. On my best days it does however keep me from getting caught. I am quick thining, strong under pressure and good in a jam... My voice says, "No go left its faster, quick duck in here before they see us."

My voice is the one you here yelling, "...And I'd have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for those medling kids."

Yes, its true. I am a person of poor impusle control, an instant gratification seeking moron. I tend to leap first and then figure out where I am going to land. It tends to make my life very exciting but it also tends to put me in situations that the only way out of it, is to admit defeat or blaze on till victory or death. I struggle with internet addictions, even coke (cola) addictions, I bite my fingernails even though I know that I will tear them up into the quick...

So you ask me...

"ANdy, why do you drink, why do you blow smoke, why must you live out these songs that you wrote..."

Ok so maybe you didn't ask me that, but you get the point...

I could go with the flat easy answer... I have ADD. But the truth is the answer is not that easy. Most of the time there is a gap in my life. I have been trying lately to let God fill that gap, but it doesn't really seem to work... and yet here I sit.

So why do I still do things that I know are stupid, that I know that the voice of reason would say "Andy, don't do that." Because, I am not the voice of reason. It is not in my nature. I am impulsive, funny, sopntaneous. At times I am logical, exremely emotional, and too bright for my own good. But rational I am not.

I look at my children (I have 4) the oldest two get into trouble but only for little stuff, I think they got their mother's voice of reason. The 3rd one I worry about, he has this sparkle in his eye... if you've ever seen one you know what I mean, if not you'll know it the first time you see it... I have the same sparkle... My mom always said she could tell how much trouble I should be in by how bright the sparkle was, and I was sick and needed to goto the Dr. if the sparkle was gone... Ajay has this sparkle, but a sparkle I can handle (i've got one myself)... However, my daughter scares me... she has no voice of reason

How much reason should a 2 year old have, I'm not sure. But we have called poision controll 7 times in the last 2 years six of them on here. SHe is my only child to break a bone... she has been able to climb out of her crib since she was one. She can open every child proof lock in the house (her secret pull harder or get something to pry it off) did I mention she is two... Small apes could learn a thing or two about simple tools from this girl... My boys all have dart tag guns, she sits int the middle of the floor (with them screaming and crying) while she tears all the tips off of the darts... for no other reason than she can...

She scares me...

I do the thigs I do, because I don't know ho to not do them, Over the years I have never figured out how to stay out of trouble... I've just gotten really good at not getting caught. In another life I would have made an exccllent criminal or politician (not sure there is much difference). But in truth as much trouble as I get into, I like to play inside the rules, or at least within reach of them.

Yes I am the voice the screams in the middle of the night, "My bisquits are burning, my bisquits are burning."

But I am definately not, The Voice of Reason!

Ready to explode

I sit and I ponder and I wonder about the day,
conversations with friends that make me long to see them again,
I am trapped in this place, this moment of my life...
I am waiting to burst forth.
The energy inside me me builds,
The longer I am forced to sit andcontain it all,
Like the animals in the zoo I pace and stare and sit.
The passions deep inside surge as I long to be free...
I want to run, jump and play...

The energy keeps building as I dread the hours and moments that I am forced to hide.
I can not contain the energy building deep inside...
Every email, every text a cry to be released...
I must be fulfilled or wither away...

Spring has come and my blood has begun to boil with the new life it brings...
I am on fire inside and I can't contain it...
It bubbles over into everything I do...
And yet I feel that if I do not hold it back, it may consume me in fire...

The animal must be released or surley it will looses its savage nature...

I wonder if those animals we call pets, do they still hear the call of nature... Do they long to be free, do the smells and sights of spring excite them and make their blood boil...

Does their fate await us if sit in a cage too long.

Please set me free.....

Getting Old

The spring is gone the snap is dissapearing... my once impressive 32 inch verticle jump has dwindled to a mear 24. It could be the extra 20 pounds I am carrying, it could be the rubber bands don't pop quite like the used to... All I really know is that going up still feels amazing, I love to jump... In high school I was a 6' high jumper (should have been better, but I had horrible form) I was a twenty foot long jumper and a 40 foot tripple jumper... Not too bad for a 5'10" skinny white boy... Yes I still love to go up... I miss running the runway, I miss staring down the lane into the pit of sand... I miss the feel of gliding, coasting, sailing through the air... oh I I love to go up... but Lord does it hurt to come down...

Everytime I jump, I flinch knowing that I am going to land. My knees are shot, the cartlidge is gone, and in the stupidity of youth I still try to go up... oh how I hate to come down...

Today as I strive to maintain my strength and pride I challenge a young man twenty years younger and 4 inches taller than myself... he beat me by a good two inches, but more to the point he walked away with a smile on his face as I hid the pain that ran through my spine...

God, I love to go up!!! I can't wait for the day that I don't have to come down.

Stars or crap

The way I see it allpaths in life lead the same place.... DEATH. So the true value in life is not where we end up but rather how we get there. This is not some long blog about Christian or non Christian, Jew or Catholic. BUt rather more of a worldly post about who and what you choose to be.

For every opportunity to succeed there exists the oppotunity to fail. The only way to avoid failure is to never try - what kind of life would that be.

I love the poster - "It is better to aim for the stars and miss than to aim for a pile of crap and hit it."

The greatest thing standing in the way of aiming for the stars is that we know that more than likely we will miss, and it is very hard to predict where we will actually land when we do miss. The thing is if you aim for the pile of crap right in front of you I think we all know exactly where you're going to end up.

Now don't get me a wrong, I am not a glory hound or adrenilin junkie - out chasing every moment of glory I can find. I live a very conservative life, in many ways I think I neither aimed for the stars or the pile of crap... I often pointed my arrow skywards and hesitated to let it fly.

But I know deep down inside that I am living a life without regrets. I am not famous, I have not found glory and riches. But I have pride in who I have become, I a have an amazing wife and four beautiful children. I spend my days helping others learn and achieve. I help them to aim for more than what lies before them.

I do not pity the astronauts that have died in balls of fire, I do not pity those rock stars and actors that have watched theirs lives implode around them, I do not pity the nascar driver the hits the wall doing 224mph, I do not pity the mother that dies in child birth. Their deaths cause me saddness, but I do not pity them. I pity the person that watches their life wither away, never knowing if their dreams were the reality that were just around the corner.

I would rather die in a ball of fire, than live in an abyss of nothingness.