Two Worlds, one servant, 100 masters

I can not worship two gods and yet I live in two worlds, One is a world where all is as it should be the other is a world where all is as I would like it to be.

I look to my wife for support and love ; She is my completion, she is everything that I need want and am. On the flip side, she is a distraction, a weight, a secret to forget. In my life I want power and Humility. I want speed and power, and I want patience. I want to have it all, and I want to give it all away.

I live in two worlds of constant conflict.

I see many women as a chance to explore, flirt, be daring. They make me feel important, desired, like a King. And I fear the thing in life that could harm them and take them away. I want to protect them. But I want to honor my wife.

And yet they are so beautiful.

I can’t wait to teach my kids to be the man that I never was, I can’t stand the children that I am raising them to be. I want to run and play and make it all about ME time, and yet when I look in their eyes and I would die for us time. I would lay down my life to save my family. And instead I lay it down to throw them away.

How can I be a dreamer, a cynic, a realist an optimist, a pessimist, and idealist and an addict?

Two worlds, one mind, two realities both based in fiction, the real world lies with God the lord and king.

My addiction does not trap me in a false reality; it traps me in a real one. My addiction makes me angry, detached and uninterested in the relationships at home I am trapped in a nondescript prison by walls that are made out of apathy.

I flirt with other women because it makes me feel good. I wonder if they would have sex with me, I know that I could… Sometimes COULD is so much stronger than WOULD.
Would has no risk no adventure, with could there is always the chance that you won’t
So in a world where my wife means everything to me, why would I even consider if I could...

Because in this moment, the two worlds are one, and I exist in both. I do not consider her feelings because it has nothing to do with her… this is about me
And in the other world, I am greatful that I do not see if I can turn could into did... I could not stand to watch her struggle with where I am and who I am with.

I can not worship two GODS… and yet I serve so many masters…
I serve my Wife…
I serve my children…
I serve my job…
I serve my co-workers…
I serve my friends…
I serve my family…
I serve my self…
I serve my addiction…

SO when exactly am I supposed to serve God?
This all powerful and mighty God, where is he in my world, do I have to go to his world to find him. I look around and he is not here, he is not at home, he is not at work, and I often wonder if he is even at church.

Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?

I seek guidance and the manual shows up in Greek?
I pray for a man who speaks Greek and the guy that show up can read every word but can’t speak English. I finally get someone that can translate it for me, but its not the book I needed.

I pray for guidance and a wise man shows up and tells me how I can use the original book it just has to read upside-down and backwards while reciting your ABC’s

Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
I pray for money to pay my bills so that we don’t have to ask for help from my parents. God blesses us with an amazing turn out for a garage sale, where we fight with my parents over who should get the money, Did I mention they give more money to church in a year than I make in a year… and they would mention that we could pay our bills if we didn’t eat out and do so many extra fun activities.

Where is this God I am supposed to serve?
I pray for security and prosperity… I can’t keep my rentals rented, I had to sell them to my dad to just stay a float, and the ones that stay rented are constantly breaking and I have no money to fix them.
So now not only am I ruining my life but those that I put up in houses as well.

Where is this God that I am supposed to serve?
The prayers of Jabez, the prayers of Abraham, the prayers of Moses, the Prayer of Christ. Who am I to pray with these men…

I have learned to pray from my daughter… we all hold hands we bow our heads and she says, “AMEN”. We all look up and wait for a minute for her to decide if we all meant it, which we didn’t… So we all bow our heads again and she says, “AMEN!”… she looks up again and of course this time we are all covered.

But wouldn’t it b great if that was in fact my prayer, “So Be It!”
And I let it go.

If I could look at my life and say, "Yp God it is was it is, and although its not what I’d like it to be, it’s not what it could be… so , “AMEN”

I don’t know how to serve one GOD, one master… My life is one big adventure in butt-kissing. I work the crowd, not like a politician, but I have made an art form of seeing how far the rules will bend. And how to handle it when they occasionally break.

How does a man like that serve GOD?

I don’t know how to be anything different than what I am… for that matter I’m not even sure what I am…

This started off to be an addicts prayer and has turned into a pontification on the art of not serving God while struggling to figure out just what the heck that means.

Just another by-line for the Pontificating Fool, the Face book Profit, the Cheap seat Philosopher.

Stealing a line from the movie Rudy…

“I know two things beyond any shadow of a doubt; there is a God, and I’m not him.”

I know that there is a God, and I know that I used to have an amazing relationship with him. I have never lived a life of conviction, I am living proof that you can have tremendous faith with out conviction I am much like an honest man in the presidency well intentioned, and highly ineffective.

I want to better serve GOD, I am tired of serving my two worlds only to find that the pot at the end of the rainbow isn’t even in either one of these worlds… its sitting at the feet of God and to get there I must bow down before him.

And now I’ll pray

Dear Lord, my God, my Father, my King,… my Friend. I am torn between all the things that I “know” that I have to be doing to make this life work. My obligation to my wife and family, the bills, the job. I wish that I could give you my first fruits, but I gave them away so long ago that I can not get them back and what little I have left is not worthy to lie before your feet. How am I supposed to give you my best, when I have given everything I have to everyone around me. All I have left is time, and I have given most of that to my career, my wife and my kids. I ask you for so much and I offer so little. I pray lord that you will lift me up and bless what little I have left and make it a mighty praise unto you. Take my fish, and bread small may they be… take them and bless them that I may flourish in you. Help me Lord to take what little I have left (time, money, energy) help me to take these things and honor and glorify you, not with my “first fruits” but with ALL THAT I HAVE.
Amen

The Belly of the Whale

He said go left… and I went right.
He said, “It’s safer by day.”
I traveled by night.
He pointed to the mountains way out west.”
I said, “That way is rocky,
I think this way is best.”
He gives me directions to lead me each day
And most of the time
I’ll go the other way.
I’m not sure why, I act the way I do.
Questioning and doubting,
What he tells me to do.
He said, “Take the road,” but I set sail
And so here I sit…
In the belly of the whale.

Sometimes I think I spend most of my time in the Belly of the Whale... If we look at Jonah we can see that he is happier in the Belly of the Whale than he is when he is doing what God has called him to do. He serves in reluctance. I am tired of sitting in the whale. I am tired of resenting God for calling me to be his. I want to serve him with every ounce of my being.

The Voice of reason

Oh no, I am not the voice of reason... the voice of reason would never be in the truoble that I find myself in... Yes, I am the voice of "Oh crap lets get out of here, the Cops are coming."

This is nothing like the voice of reason.

The voice of reason deals with right and wrong, the idea of lets not do that it could have consequences. The voice of reason considers what would be rational behavior and what are logical outcomes of any given situations...

No, my voice is not the voice of reason, it does not keep me out of trouble. On my best days it does however keep me from getting caught. I am quick thining, strong under pressure and good in a jam... My voice says, "No go left its faster, quick duck in here before they see us."

My voice is the one you here yelling, "...And I'd have gotten away with it to, if it weren't for those medling kids."

Yes, its true. I am a person of poor impusle control, an instant gratification seeking moron. I tend to leap first and then figure out where I am going to land. It tends to make my life very exciting but it also tends to put me in situations that the only way out of it, is to admit defeat or blaze on till victory or death. I struggle with internet addictions, even coke (cola) addictions, I bite my fingernails even though I know that I will tear them up into the quick...

So you ask me...

"ANdy, why do you drink, why do you blow smoke, why must you live out these songs that you wrote..."

Ok so maybe you didn't ask me that, but you get the point...

I could go with the flat easy answer... I have ADD. But the truth is the answer is not that easy. Most of the time there is a gap in my life. I have been trying lately to let God fill that gap, but it doesn't really seem to work... and yet here I sit.

So why do I still do things that I know are stupid, that I know that the voice of reason would say "Andy, don't do that." Because, I am not the voice of reason. It is not in my nature. I am impulsive, funny, sopntaneous. At times I am logical, exremely emotional, and too bright for my own good. But rational I am not.

I look at my children (I have 4) the oldest two get into trouble but only for little stuff, I think they got their mother's voice of reason. The 3rd one I worry about, he has this sparkle in his eye... if you've ever seen one you know what I mean, if not you'll know it the first time you see it... I have the same sparkle... My mom always said she could tell how much trouble I should be in by how bright the sparkle was, and I was sick and needed to goto the Dr. if the sparkle was gone... Ajay has this sparkle, but a sparkle I can handle (i've got one myself)... However, my daughter scares me... she has no voice of reason

How much reason should a 2 year old have, I'm not sure. But we have called poision controll 7 times in the last 2 years six of them on here. SHe is my only child to break a bone... she has been able to climb out of her crib since she was one. She can open every child proof lock in the house (her secret pull harder or get something to pry it off) did I mention she is two... Small apes could learn a thing or two about simple tools from this girl... My boys all have dart tag guns, she sits int the middle of the floor (with them screaming and crying) while she tears all the tips off of the darts... for no other reason than she can...

She scares me...

I do the thigs I do, because I don't know ho to not do them, Over the years I have never figured out how to stay out of trouble... I've just gotten really good at not getting caught. In another life I would have made an exccllent criminal or politician (not sure there is much difference). But in truth as much trouble as I get into, I like to play inside the rules, or at least within reach of them.

Yes I am the voice the screams in the middle of the night, "My bisquits are burning, my bisquits are burning."

But I am definately not, The Voice of Reason!