Now what?

I have reached a moment when I know not what to do next. Lets compare life to running a race, or in the terms the bible uses running the good race.

I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.

I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.

They want, no the need to finish the race.

For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.

I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.

Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.

I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.

It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...

Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.

A poem for the masses (and to prove my life is not all sad)

FEARLESS ME, AND MY TEDDYBEAR

Like Abbot and Costello, the Lone Ranger and Tonto,
Wherever I'm headed, he too is sure to go,

We’ve rescued maidens in distress,
Completely fearless... more or less,

We’ve stood up to an ogre, face to face,
And we've dared the depths of outer space.

When it comes to danger and fear, we've done it all,
So if you ever need help just give us a call,

And before you know it, we'll be there,
Fearless Me, and my TEDDYBEAR.

Sometimes the TinMan Sometimes the Scarecrow

As my knees popped and cracked their way up the stairs this morning I certainly felt like the Tin Man looking for his can of oil... But being the Tin Man is so much more than that... I have always been ruled by my emotions, I am a very deep sensitive person and many times I am overcome by the emotions of others. As a child it was very difficult for me to seperate my emotions from the emotions of everyone else. I felt what they were feeling. It was not until well after college that I really learned to distinguish between what I was feeling internally and what I was reacating to externally. Many times I felt that my heart was busted, that I needed a new one...

At the same time I was that kid that was always the smartest kid in the regular class or the dumbest kids in the honors class. Put a little ADD on top of that and there were so many times that I new I had to be smarter than this... that if I only had a brain... because it certainly felt like I didn't...

I have always loved what the Wizard of Oz represents because in the end what each of them desired most, they already had.

As I was thinking about this I realized a couple of things, the first about myself and the second about my children.

First ME...
I have spent my whole life wanting to be great at something. I have many things that I am above avaerage at and a lot that I would even say I am good at. But I always wanted to be great. I have said on many occasions I would give up all of my other gifts if I gould just be amazing at one of them. I have compared myself to the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, even the Lion and occasionally I have even felt like Dorthy - looking for a place to fit in. Yesterday I think I reached a student that the rest of the world has been unable to reach... I've figured out what I am great at... I know who I am. I am not the Tin Man, I am not the Scarecrow, I am not the Lion, and I am not Dorthy.....

I am the great and powerful OZ... What I am truley great at, my gift... I help people to see whats already inside them. I make other people great. My own greatness seems intangible at times, but it can always be found in the success of the people that I touch and help.

Second - My kids:
I am raising the Wizard of Oz... Tyler is the Tin Man - ruled by his heart, always seeking to love and care for others, the first to help out, the first to nurture, the first cry... Jayden is the Scarecrow - ruled by his brain, constantly seeking to be smarter, will think a problem through rather than hit it head on, always looking for a puzzle, has to know the answer... Ajay is the Lion - scared of his own shadow, and the first to jump in to save you, always ready to fight, he seeks out high places, and jumps in to any situation (even if he is terrified), he is one of the most couragous people I know... And Ashtyn - I guess she has to be Dorthy because shes the girl right - but she will also be the driving force behind the other three, they are "Her Boys", she is the link that will hold them together, her family (Her Boys) are what keeps her going, she has to take care of them, she has to know where they are, she is our hall monitor...

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May all your dreams come true,
May your nightmares fade away,
and may you find tomorrow
what you've lost today.

I am praying for you.