I want to tell you a story...

What's your story?

What story is God telling through you?

Are you telling the story, or is God........?


There are several stories in the bible that are very similar.  We often use them to draw comparisons and make meaning of our own lives... And then there are some stories in the bible that stand out.  They just seem out of place, or seem to have a meaning all to themselves.  The story of Jonah is one of these.

The story of Jonah has always been one of my favorites... you see... I am Jonah, but I will come back to that in a moment.  The story of Jonah has always seemed to me to be unique.  In all of the bible stories, it just didn't seem to be like any other story. I've heard many people argue about if its real, or just a parable; is it just an elaborate story, to scare us into following God, is it a metaphor that paints a picture that is too elaborate to be real?  Does it matter?  For the record, I believe that this story is real, I believe that Jonah spent three days inside of a giant fish, I believe that Jonah defied God and spoke to God with contempt in his voice.  I also believe, the story of Jonah can be an amazing metaphor... a story that looks just like the life I have chosen to live...

News flash... there is another story in the bible that begins just like the story of Jonah... intrigued?

Lets start with Jonah, well actually, lets start with me...  For years I have spoken of the story of Jonah with pride.  I tell people on a regular basis that the story of Jonah is my story.  I've taught classes at church looking at the story of Jonah, and I've told them of my nights that I have spent in the belly f the whale, as if God had placed me in there and I was sorry for not going his way, for not telling His story.  The truth is, I'm more like Jonah than I realized.

**

Jonah Flees From the Lord

1 The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: ² “Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.”

³ But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.

**

 I can't tell you how many times that God has sent me...  from simple little tasks of asking me to volunteer, to just asking me to leave my comfort zone and minister to someone who smells, or looks dirty.  Other times he has called me to greater things: trips, ministries, professional callings... And I have looked God in the face with a look of, "seriously, you have got to be kidding."  I have defiantly turned and walked the other direction. Just like Jonah, I have found myself in the belly of the whale. I have spent more nights in the belly of the whale than I have preaching the word.  In the past, when I would tell the story, I would tell it with remorse... I would tell people that, "I am stuck in the belly of the whale, waiting on God to save me."  A LIE.  A lie to myself, a lie to those around me, a lie to God... You see, I am just like Jonah... defiant.  I chose the belly of the whale.  Like a child throwing a tantrum I could sit in my misery and tell God, "I'll show you.  I will sit here in this chaos, and you can't make me."  It was my will, not his.  Eventually like our hero, I would pray for help, I would beg for forgiveness and God would deliver me...

Have you ever imagined what it looked like when Jonah got to Nineveh?  I really can't imagine that he ran up and down the streets, praising God with joy and glad tidings.  I imagine this scene from a Monty Python movie of a man in rags, head down, dragging his feet... muttering under his breath, "praise God, repent and be saved."  It was God that saved Nineveh, not Jonah... and then Jonah went up on a hill and pouted... I TOLD YOU SO... that was his attitude towards God. Jonah had the nerve to look at God and say... I knew what you were going to do, I didn't want to do it, you made me do it, and I knew this was going to happen...  GOD JUST SAVED AN ENTIRE CITY! and Jonah is blaming God because its not what Jonah wanted...

This is the story I have chosen to live...Its not the story that God is telling, its the story that I am acting out... I am the director, producer and main character, God is just an actor that I have allowed into my drama...  Am I really that arrogant? I didn't even write my own story, I stole one of God's and claimed it as my own... What would my life look like if I allowed God to tell my story... no, that's not right either... what would my life look like if I allowed God to tell HIS story...

**

The Calling of Abraham
Genesis 12:1 
1Now the LORD said to Abram, "Go forth from your country, And from your relatives And from your father's house, To the land which I will show you; 2And I will make you a great nation, And I will bless you, And make your name great; And so you shall be a blessing;…

Hebrews 11:8
By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.

**

Two men called by God.  One, looked for a better path, chose his will over God's; the other, went home packed all his belongings, gathered his family and went...

What story is God telling in your life?


 

Don't Blink

I have not written in so long...

I have tears in my eyes... not because of what I have to say or because... I am scared to write... A little over 4 years ago I had my entire life on paper, digital paper anyways. And then... we were robbed. My computer my poems, my novel, my blog, my life... MY SOUL. He took my soul. I just sat down to tell you the most amazing story that I have ever had to tell, and the moment I touched the keyboard I started sobbing...

As I breath, each breath I take...

I haven't written anything short of a FB post in over 4 years... And in this moment, this very moment that I sit here the pain, the passion, the power of words and thought and belief. I will fear no evil... I will open my heart, and let GOD heal my soul, I will declare that GOD IS ENOUGH. My life is over flowing with a story...

 It's not my story. It's God's story.

It's a story that is playing itself out in my life this very second... as God guides my thoughts, as he guides my fingers, as the tears subside and I realize that this keyboard is nothing to fear... that GOD wants me to tell this story... that I need to tell this story...

DON'T BLINK, God is about to do something amazing and I don't want you to miss it.


I could start this story so many places, but if I did I would be writing for hours, or even days. I guess it's all one story, and a lot of little stories all combined in one... but this story, this story starts about 6 weeks ago.

Well let's start a little farther back...  20 years ago (1996) I was just finishing my degree in Industrial Technology from Abilene Christian University.  While working on my degree, I had decided to take Sign Language as my Foreign Language Credit (yes, this is a thing).  As I approached the end of my course work one of my instructors gave me the opportunity to go to the over seas to teach Industrial Technology in a school for the deaf.  It was an amazing opportunity, but as my wife and I discussed it, we decided not to go.  I still believe that we made the decision we needed to make. However, I have always regretted not going..

Fast forward 2016,  as a Christian I believe that everyone is called to give.  I think that there are many other callings (teaching, serving, mission work, etc.) but everyone is called to give.  I also believe that we can give in many ways; time, effort and for many financially.  When I was younger I gave freely... joyfully... selflessly... but now that I have a family, a mortgage, stuff... I have struggled to give.  At times I have felt that I have nothing to give, at others I have found it in my heart to give God what was left over (how noble of me), other time I have desperately scraped together everything I can to give God everything I had. I would donate my time, my service, my skills... but I didn't give these freely, I gave them out of resentment...  I gave them blaming God that the only reason that I was giving these, is because he refused to give me money to give...

The ARGUMENT - How can I give God my "first fruits" if I have already given them away?  God wants me to honor my debts, right?  And he wants me to provide for my family right? And all these other things that I have committed to... God wants me to honor those, he say, "Let your yes be your yes, and Give unto Caesar,"  right?  This is what God wants us to do????  Wrong!  GOD wants to honor your debts, GOD wants to provide for my family...


Thou shall have no other god's before me... a servant CANNOT serve two masters...

I kept telling God that if he would give me more... then I could give... WRONG, WRONG, WRONG...

Sooo... the story...

Earlier this year I started giving to Church... every week... 20$ right on schedule... except when I didn't have it, or when I forgot... or when we skipped Church, but other than that...

About 6 weeks ago, something in my life changed... something broke, or healed... Remember that call to go serve in a foreign country... oh yeah, that...  Something made me remember, remember who I used to be... that guy that gave even when there was nothing left to give... he gave...  We had a Sunday that 3 men stood up and told us about the missions that they were involved in.  It wasn't really an invitation to go, they weren't asking for money, they weren't looking for partners... they were merely sharing their lives with us... One of them was our minister Deron Smith, and Deron shared his passion for Africa.  And something clicked... After service I found Deron and told him I wanted to go... no real clue what, or why, or when... but I had to go... God was telling me to go..

But that's not the story... as I sit here writing... writing for the first time... typing, my fingers flowing, I want to share everything...  I need to keep writing... and I have the rest of my life to keep writing...

The point... Don't Blink...

Four weeks ago, I decided to get the old me back... and the shortened version looks like this... My wife and I took our kids to buy Christmas presents for children that weren't going to otherwise have a Christmas.  We spent money we didn't have... But I knew that God would take care of it... It was the most amazing time with my wife and children to shop and give, to make somebody's life different...  A few days later we received a Christmas bonus that we weren't expecting... a sizable bonus.  Our first reaction was that God was rewarding us for our giving and now we could pay some debts, that have been looming over us.  My second reaction was maybe this was an opportunity to give more.  I had showed God I was willing to give even when I felt like my cup was empty... Could I show God that I was willing to give when my cup was full... So we gave.  I won't claim we gave it all... we paid some debts, we set some things right in our budget, but we gave... and we gave first... I was proud of myself... spent a day or two patting myself on the back... because I am so amazing right? And then... then I got fired... but the weird part... It was, actually it is, ok... because now I get to show God that I can give when I have nothing...

The words that have come across this keyboard, are not the words I sat down to type... I'm reading back over them...

I am overflowing... you see, as much as I want to tell my story... God keeps reminding me its NOT my story...

6 weeks ago, the Spirit of God spoke to my soul... the message...

GOD IS ABOUT TO DO SOMETHING AMAZING!!!

And that's what God is pressing me to put right here... right here, in this spot, on this page, for you... whomever you are that is reading this right now, because he brought you here, to read these words, at this very moment, because he wants you to know... He is about to do something amazing...

I guess... The story is for another blog, another day...

DON'T BLINK, DON'T LOOK AWAY...BECAUSE I DON'T WANT YOU TO MISS IT!!!  

Video Game answers to life

I have recently started playing the video game League of Legends. For the purpose of this blog the overall nature and purpose of the game are unimportant. But the basics of the game are like a good ole' fashioned game of capture the flag. Teams consist of 5 players, each of whom select a champion to control on the map. As the game begins it is standard for your team to split up and take a portion of the map. The other team will typically use the same concept to devide up their team. As a result, in early game you typically in up in a lot of 1 on 1 play... Here in lies my most recent epiphany about life, religion and sin... Over the last several months I have been involved in several discussion about pornography, alcohol and drugs. And the beliefs of those around me sometimes make me nervous to say the least. But it would seem that in the minds of many of our youth, that a little of anything is okay, as long as I keep it under control. MY EPIPHANY: As you begin playing League all of the players on both teams start with similar health and similar weapons. As you gain experience and gold you can buy better armor and weapons to improve your champion. In early game you often spend a lot of time "poking the bear". You will run in and hit the other champion and run away. Bit by bit your health will dwindle and you either have to retreat or you end up dead... and so it begins. Each time you die or retreat the otehr champion keeps getting stronger. Infact, LoL players have a term called FEEDING. If you kill another champion in the game you are rewarded with bonus experience and gold. This allows you to level up and buy better weapons earlier in the game. Feeding is where you continue to die to same champion on the other team over and over again. Each time he gets stronger and you remain the same, making the next battle even harder. Eventually you create a monster that is all but unstopable. C CAN YOU SEE WHERE I AM GOING WITH THIS? When we sin, look at porn, take a drink, smoke a joint... we start FEEDING the demon. Each time the demon gets a little stronger and we get a little weaker. Each time we come back the demon does a little more damage a little faster. It doesn't take long for us to create an unstopable monster. In many cases then results in addiction and starts to impact those around us. In game you have one of two solutions. Solution one, avoid the demon at all cost. This does two things: it stops feeding the demon and it gives you time to build your armor and recover your health. The second option is to attack the demon as a team. I think both of these still apply when we talk about sin. When it comes to addiction and sin, the more we can avoid an activity the weaker the demon becomes, and when we surround ourselves with Christian brothers we can stand and fight the demon together. I could go on and on about this, but I think you might quit reading so I'm going to leave it there. FAILURE IS EXPECTED, IT'S WHAT YOU DO NEXT THAT DETERMINES HOW MUCH YOU LEARN.

Writer's Block - the sequel

Staring at a blank page, I have often considered the idea of writer's block. When I was younger I often blamed my lack of progress on term papers on writer's block. On the other hand, I have many times told people that I have never really experienced writer's block. I think when it comes down to it....

the truth is, here lately... I have so many things in my head... and yet every time I start to write, the words don't seem quite right...

Writers Block

I'm not really sure what writers block is... but I woudl guess its something like this...

The magic act

I'm not sure how much you believe in magic. I know that I love illusions, but growing up it was often to decide what was illussion and what was real. I wanted to learn magic but there was one thing that I could never figure out...

The first time that a magician did a dissapearing act, how did they get back?

I feel like sometimes in my life I am a magician learning new tricks and often times I learn the first part of the trick without considering the flip side. Its like planning a trip to Mars figureing that we will figure out how to get home once we get there.

I am so often in my life taking on newer and better and greater things and many times the things that I am already committed to suffer.

But today, I am back!

I think that over the last three months I have allowed myself to slip into a deeper depression than I have been in for quite some time. Not a depression of saddness but one of apathy. I have had very litle desire to do much of anything. I have had a few shinning moments, but alas I slide back into a world void of desire and energy.

Today I rise from the ashes. The Pheonix lives again.

The Mighty Blue Wizard is refreshed and rejuvinated ready to conquer all that lies before me.

God be praised! For in him we are saved. We can rise from our lives of aorrow and pain and live eternally.

The Good Samaratin

Have you ever wondered what the Good Samaratin story would look like today? I think so many of us consider ourselves to be good people, and we would even go so far as to place ourselves in the role of the good samaratin. You stop and give a beggar five dollars, you take clothes to the shelter, you give your 10% (plus some) back to church... and so on and so on...

You know there were a lot of people in both the Old and New Testament that did all of these things and more... and yet their stories are not glorified in the Bible in the form of a parable for all generations to model after...

The Good Samaratin... He didn't just stop and check to see if he was ok... he didn't just give him a few bucks and send him off... He pciked him up, clothed him, bathed him, transported him to safety and provided the means for him to be safe and recover from his experience...

In todays litagation happy society, we all seem so interested in, "How do I get mine..." When was the last time you witnessed someone putting themselves out there for the sake of someone elses well being... beter yet when was the last time you truelly put yourself out there for someone elses well being... I must admit that for the last several years and even more so lately, I have been putting myself in the role of the man on the side of the road waiting for someone to help me... I have been consumed in my own pitty party, that I'm not even sure that I have noticed those that have really needed my help.

What would he look like today... would he pay for somone's hospital stay... would he pay their utility bill, buy them clothes, fix their house, pay their rent, fix their car... How far would the Good Samaratin go? He didn't just buy the man a meal...

--- Dear Lord my Father, my Friend, my Savior.... Dear Lord my KING, I bow before you and ask for your mercy, I have not been a faithful servant and I pray that you will forgive my transgressions... Lord, guide my spirit and lift me out of my own self-pity and let me be the servant you have asked me to be. Thankyou for all that you have put in my life. In Jesus's name...

Marriage

Same day different topic...

As I look around me and see what the world thinks of marriage and love and relationships, I hope that my wife and I are more of an influence on my children than the world is...

My wife and I have been married for a 15 1/2 years for one and only one reason. We swore before God, family and friends that we were commitng the rest of our live together. We have not always loved each other, we have not even always liked each other. There are days that we can not even stand to be in the same room as each other.

But somwhere deep down inside I know that this is life. There is no one in this world that I can say I want to spend every waking moment of everyday of my life with. We are all going to disagree, we are all going to fight. The difference between my wife and the rest of the world is that I never swore to love the rest of teh world for eternity.

I love my wife more than life itself. Yes, there are things about her that drive me insane, there are parts of her life and personality that make me want to scream. But, I am not so ignorant to believe that she does not feel the same way about me.

I do not know what the future may hold and I can not swear that nothing will ever drive us apart... But, I can swear that it won't happen without a fight...

I am here because I love her...
I am here because I promised I would be...
I am here becase God expects me to be...

I AM HERE!

where are you?

Haunted

Have you ever been haunted by dreams... I don't know that there is really a point to this blog but hey its mine and I can write whatever I want to right...

The last few days I have been haunted by my dreams... I wake up feeling lost and disconected. When I was little I put a lot into my dreams or rather I read a lot into my dreams. There were many times that I felt that God direclty answered my prayers in my dreams... there were other times that I would see the future in my dreams... Many people don't believe me when I say this but its true... there were times when I would dream entire days and then they would unfold exactly as they had in my dream...

Later in life I was put on anti-depressants for a short time... this completely warped my dreams... I was dreaming in all five senses. Boy was that a trip...

For the better part of my life I have had extreme cases of Deja Vu...

But none of these are what I am experincing right now. I am dreaming about long lost friends, past events, places and people and things that I have not seen or thought of in many many years. The dreams themselves are not bad, its not like bad dreams or dreams of people dieing... they just leaving me wondering. What is going on in my subconcious, or is God trying to talk to me...

Half of me wants to go back to sleep so that I can find the answers... half of me dreads the night because I am tired of dreaming the same places and people...

Over the last 6 months to a year I have been praying that God would return to me gifts that I seem to have posessed as a child but that I lost somwhere along the way... Maybe these dreams are an answer to those prayers, but the images without understanding are leaving me worried and concerned for what is coming, or what I may have already left behind.

--

Be safe my friends, hold your dear ones close.

Movie moments that define who I would like to be

Maybe its the idealist in me, or the dreamer coming to light... But there are many time that movies touch me. They inspire in me those moments of greatness, moments of reflection, they are the moments that I will never forget because they are me... It is as if the writer reached inside my soul and said the words that I could have never come up with on my own...

4 come to mind but there are many more.

#1 Gene Hackman - Loose Cannons
As he sits talking to Dan Ackroyd he breaks into a moment of quoting Dylan Thomas...

Do not go gentle in that good night, rage rage against the dying of the light.

As they then sit back and howl at the night.



#2 Coach Carter - Our Deepest Fear

Although often attributed to Nelson Mandela the orginal source of this is debated. But this presentation in the movie Coach Carter is one of the most amazing dramatic presentations I have ever seen.




#3 The Never Ending Story
I often pride myself on my ability to fix things. There are no problems that I can's understand or work out a solution to. I remeber as a kid, my fascination with my dad's hands and how big and strong they are. And as a shop teacher and a father my own hands are what I use to communicate, to build, to help... A few years ago, my hands started to hurt, and I can not do many of the things that I would like as well as I would like... This movie is one of my greatest fears... what if I can't protect my family because I'm not strong enough...



and #4 last for now...

The Entire Movie - The Breakfast Club...

Because I am brain, an athelete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. The dreamer, the realest, the idealist, the cynic...

A design Critque for God

I have decided I do not like God's design. After several years's of architecure grad school and plenty of time in architecture, enigineering and desing build landscape firms, plus my current experience as a design teacher I beleive that I am qualified to offer my critque of God's design...

My first comment is that I beleive most of the problem lies within the presentation. I can see where he has put in the work, there really is a lot if detail and exxcellnt design qualities to the piece. But the presentation has been left a little vague and open ended.

I think he has done a marvelous job at combing textures, colors, even scents and tastes to create a well balanced peice as a whole. But Again I would criticize the fact that he made the peice large enough that most viewers cannot see the whole picture and are often left viewing pieces that are too sharp in contrast, are extrememly out of balance, or have no visual interest whatsoever.

My second major point is that I beleive that he left too much of the piece incomplete. One can make the argument that it is project that is in progress or even that it is a living piece therefore it is always changing. But for the viewer this can often cause confusion and dissoriotnation as pieces that seemed to fit yesterday not seem out of place or contrasting to their original posisition.

My final complaint has to with how the plan plays out on an individual basis. ALthough there are major implications that the piece was designed attention and detail on even the smallest part, it is often quite difficult to break the pice apart and see what he intended for the pieces (without the overall picture, the indiviual pieces seem to loose value and serve no function) this goes back to my earlier comment that the piece is soooo large that most viewers are not able to see the piece in its entirety.

---

Ok so maybe I'm not qualified to evaluate God's work. I am just so tired of not being able to see the big picture, and tell me Ohhh go read the Bible, God tells you all about it... If that's your answer you are either not listening to me or you are an idiot... What I mean by big picture ----

I am in a hole, a hole that I dug. I created this hole through a combination of greed, pride, and fighting for survival. I have (am) doing everything I can as I continue to jump through hoop afte hoop and plod through red tape after red tape... and the truth is I have done everything I can do... And you know what God is not going to fix it as least not in a "I dream of Jeanie" fashion. I am in God's hands. That is the only way I am going to get through this. BUt the how's and the when's and where's and the what's are parts of the plan that he does not always let us see... or maybe sometime's we are just standing too close to the painting...


Always dream, always hope, beleive in everything... these are where creativity lives.

To babble or not to babble

Shall I pontificate...

Over the last few motnhs I have had a very interesting experience. I have gone from being one of the most liberal members of my congregation to one of the most conservative without changing my position. In some ways I guess it has probably been going on for longer than a few months, and I just had my eyes closed.

As I sit and ponder things that are changing within in the congregation, I read emails that are exchanged, I sit and listen to messages from he pulpit... I must say that I bounce from confused, to inspired, to concerned, to out right offended.

My first complaint... What's wrong with tradition? What's wrong with the way it was. I'm not saying it was perfect, but I was discussing this with a friend the other day. If we were raised under the old system, and we turned out OK, then what is the foundation for the argument that the old way was so screwed up. Is it wrong that I am bothered by these things... I will admit that many of the things that have offended mehave nothing to do with religion, that is why I have not left. Yet when others tell me that I am wrong for being offended... Well that really doesn't sit right either.

My second complaint... If they say that God is leading them to say and do the things that they are doing, and I believe that God leading me to say the things that I am saying and doing... then why is the assumption immediately that I am wrong.

I know that I believe the following:
- There is a line in the sand, and you must be on the right side if you are going to go to heaven.
- I do not know where that line is and it is possible that I am in the wrong.
- Jesus Christ is the son of Go and you must believe in him and be baptized for the forgivness of your sins to go to heaven.
- I beleive that many who beleive the are saved, are not actually saved (and yes it is possible that I am in that catagory)

Now I do not live my life in fear, I do not serve and cruel and destructive God. But I am concerned for the path that we take seems much to broad and too highly traveled. For the bible tells us that the path is narrow and the travelers are few.

I am not saying that I think that those that are leading my congregation are wrong and I am not saying that those that are pushing for change are wrong... But I am concerned by the boldness with which those who disagree are being told that they are wrong.

Even now I must admit that I am holding back many of the things that I wish to say because I know that my personal feelings are feeding my frustration. I pray that over the next few days, weeks, months that God will bless me with the words to say the things that he wishes me to say and not the things that I am interested in saying.

The biggest lie you were ever told....

I just had a conversation with a dear friend who asked me if I would come talk to her daughter about taking medication for ADD. I don't know the whole story only that she has been on medication in the past, and has decided that she does not want to take it anymore...

I have been on medication for ADD since my sophmore year of college. A few years ago I started having liver problems and in an attempt to give my body time to heal itself I was taken off all of my ADD meds... we went 3 months without making a house payment... we had the money, I just forgot to write the check. I had never had to be an adult off of medication and I was not prepared for it... needless to say I am back on medication...

But back to the original request... And my side bar...

I understand, or at least I think I understand what this youg lady is feeling. Why do I have to take medication to be normal???

None of us what it pointed out that we are not normal, we want our lives to be exactly like everyone elses. In many ways I think we all do it. We want to know why our lives are so much harder than everyone elses. We assume that we are the only one struggling, or the only one that is affraid... that we are the only one that "fill in the blank".

THE TRUTH IS YOU ARE NOT NORMAL!!!!

The biggest lie that any of us are ever told is that we are normal. For the better part of my life I told people that I had voices in my head, Not like the insane "I har voices", but just that there were conversations in my head... ALWAYS. THe response, oh that's normal. Everybody thinks to themselves, or everybody talks to themselves at some point. The first time I ever took ritilin I sat in my room at colleg and cried... I turned off every piece of electronics and for the first time in my life I actually heard silence. The thought that went through my head... "So this is normal."

For many of you that previous statement makes no since what-so-ever... For others you know exactly what I mean.

I have heard people tell me that they don't want to be dependant on medication... diabetics, ADD, depression... alone, no friends, no body would understand me...

Consider these two statments...
EVERYBODY IS DIFFERENT
I WANT TO BE NORMAL

Conclusion: Your life sucks, deal with it. You're not normal, deal with it.

Medication makes my life easier. It does not make me normal. No thing, no force on earth could ever make me normal, nor do I want it to. I am really good at what I do because I am not like everbody else.

The biggest lie that you were ever told: IS THAT IT ISPOSSIBLE TO BE NORMAL.

you are you. I can never understand what it means to be you. I can never be black, I can never understand what it means to be black and even if I could make myself black I would still not feel and see the same things that an african-american sees and feels. We often say that "to walk a mile in somebody's shoes" ALthoug I agree this can help us to sympathize or empathize, we still don't understand exactly what somebody else felt.

Truth is relative. There is no normal, there is only chaos. Each one of us has to learn to deal with chaos as only we can. It's called growing up.

Seek out weirdness, strive to be different, look for those ways that make you YOU. Because only you can.

Exclamation points and question marks

As with the beginning of each new year we, or at least I, begin to question all the things in our life that we want to change. In truth the first day of the new year is just another day in our lives no different than the one boefore or the one after it. Yet, it symbolizes an opportunity to start over, to change all those things that we meant to do last year and never got around to.

Loosing weight, getting in shape, making old contacts, finishing a book... the possibilities for a new year are endless.

For me, as I contimplate this next year a couple of unrelated ideas have been on my mind that have finnally melded into one genreal idea and concept for the year.

#1 - We are broke, we have got to find some source of additional income, and time is limited, between teaching and coaching and four kids its going to be tough to find an additional source of income.

#2 - I have started to get back into reading (don't know why I ever quit) but as I have I have had a stronger and stronger desire to start writing again (both this blog and to finish my novel - which is on year four now...)

#3 - the overwheliming idea that my life is full of questions...

My overall conclusion and guiding force for this year is to live this year as an exclamation point and not a question mark. When I leave this world, whether tomorrow or 60 years from now I want my life to have been an " I DID !!!" not an overwhelming question mark of " WHAT IF ????"

Could I, Should I.... Yes I can and I should, and so should you. Make this year abour doing. I have decided that I would rather have this blow up in my face at the potential of success than sit around just guessing.

So - Mondays will be blogging day.... Tuesdays and Thursdays will be writing day... Get ready because I am about to explode and I am taking the rest of you with me.

The 4th Ahhh Haaa

THere have been several times in my life that I call AhhhHaaa moments. I can only really describe these moments as "God Spoke to me" I have never actually heard his voice... they happen something like this...

I talk to myself, quite often and sometimes quite loudly. I also talk to God, I sometimes talk to Orion (The constalation), sometimes I talk to the moon. I talk to Jesus and the Spirit. I have even beem know to talk to lost relatives. And oh yes, I talk to plants and animals.

Most of these conversations are me working the clutter and chaos out of my head, and often as I do I am posing questions or summing my life up in analogies. If I can create an analogy it makes it easier to get it out of my head. Most of the time I find myself asking questions that I have no way of kowing the answer to... which brings me to my 3 Ahhh Haaa's. A few times as I have been having my talks with God I have possed a question that even before I have finished asking I just know the answer. THere is no doubt, there is no reasking, there is just a peace that I know the answer... I think I have blooged about these before so I won't go into detail, but in a nutshell:

#1 - Dear God I am in over my head, I am drowning and I can not do this;
"No your not, the water is only knee deep. Just stand up and quit atcing like a baby."

#2 - I can not get out of this hole, there is no way that I can survive this and nothing that I am doing is getting me closer. I'm working my tail off and things are just getting worse.
"Andy, if you really want to get out of the hole you need to let go of the shovel, step away from the shovel, quit digging, oh for Pete's sake would you put down the shovel already."

#3 - Dear God I am so tired of the whinning, my kids are whinning, every body at work is whinning, the bank wants their money, I'm behind on my grades... the is rediculous, no body should be asked to do this, my wife just keeps naggin and nagging...
"Andy, would you please stop whinning."

Which brings me to the 4th Ahhh Haaa.

Lately things have been getting very stressful as I imagine they are for most of the country if not a large part of the world. And I think like many people I have been flooding the airwaves with prayer after prayer. Prayers of need, prayers of request, prayers of anger and doubt... and the good ones too. Prayers of thanks and prayers of love... But I have been getting discouraged as of late as it seems that so many of my prayers are not being answered. It has even seemed that I'm not even getting no's. I'm feel like I'm getting the I'm sorry all lines are busy please call back later. Over the last few days I have even started to share with God that I am having doubts. I am doubting him, I am doubting myself. If God answeres the prayers of righteous men does that mean that I am not righteous...

And as I got into the car this morning I possed my question one more time, "God why have you started ignoring me... why are you not answering my prayers.

"Andy, which prayer would you like for me to answer. You prayed that you would give up everything in your life if you could just be great at something, and I have made you a teacher. You prayed that I would make you humble and I have given you many opportunities for humility. You prayed that I not make you rich because you didn't think you could handle it and I have given you just enough. You prayed that everything would be allright, that your kids would be healty, that I would guide you and lead you. What is it exactly that you have prayed for that I have not given you. Would you please begin specifying which prayers you would like for me to answer and which prayers you would like for me to ignore."

I find myself humbled, and encouraged. I may not have everything I want. But I have everything I need. And when you get right down to it... I have most everything I want too.

It was a long day, but it was a good day.

Sorting the Chaos

Chaos is a big topic with me, I guess because I feel like I have lived my entire life within a state of chaos. The byproduct of my ADD multiplied by my personaltiy, complicated with a bit of OCD on the side.

How do you sort your Chaos... I imagine the movie "For the Love of the Game" with Kevin Costner as he stands on the Picthers mound and he "Clears the mechanism" the method he uses to tune out and sort all of the chaos.

I believe that chaos is what stands in our way. It keeps up from thinking, it keeps us from producing, it keeps us from loving...

The Chaos that porn creates keeps us from trully loving, we get lost in the shroud of chaos called lust... At work we overload ourselves with projects and deadlines and business. Yes these are (or can be) part of our job... But our productuvuty gets burried in clutterd chaos of business. When I get home, and the TV is going, and all the lights are on, and all 4 kids are talking and both computers are going with games and movies and noise, there are dishes to do and lawns to be mowed and things to be fixed... And my family gets lost in the eruption of chaos...

I have three main ways I deal with the Chaos:

One - the internal chaos of my mind. I have to start by reducing the visual clutter, the more colors and angles and stuff in my world the more clutter their is in my head. Thoughts begin to overlap and messages get confused... imagine doing your homework in the mall food court at lunchtime... AsI reduce the visual clutter, for each thing I put away I file something or get something out of my head...

two - the business of my life. Hunting. I go and i sit, a single purpose, a single thought. All of the sounds are about listening, waiting. The cold air brings you home... nothing else matters... Its about waiting not about doing... as I do this, as I sit it no longer matter what is now and what is later, so I sit and one by one I read all of my internal mail and I clear out my lists.

three - writing. So many time I think that this blog shows me as a sad worried overwelmed person. And at times thats exactly who I am . But the truth of the matter is that so often God speaks to me when I write, as I type my questions I find that I know the answer before I even finish typing, and as I tell of how all hope is lost, by the time I am done I have abandonded my self pity and know that my hope is in things eternal and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...

It was a long day, but the night has come, and I am still here. Tomorrow the sun will rise and God expects us to be the best... Because he knows we can be.

I do not know how the bills will get paid, I do not know how I am going to get everything done, I don't know how I will ever trully overcome addiction, but I do know that My father loves me deeply and a) he expects me to give it my very best and b) he knows I am going to fail and when I do he will pick me up and set me back on my path.

Goal #1 write a happy blog...

The chaos of the spirit

So I wonder if I should call this a retraction...


An interesting point came out sunday as we sat in class discussing the book of acts and other of Paul's letters. There was disorder within the church and Paul was providing intruction for obtaining and maintaining order. But if you look closley the disorder and the chaos was caused by the spirit, well at least spirit led.

What do I mean...

Paul states that when they are prophesying that one should not speak on top of the other, that they should wait for one to finish or when another stands up the first should sit down... he gives other expamples and make other similar points... and I ponder this thought...

Why would the Spirit give more than one person stuff to say at the same time... why wouldn't the spirit finish with one person before lifting up the next. At the same time if it does no good to speak in tounges with no one to interpret, why would the Spirit gift somone with tongues with out gifting an interpreter. It would seem that these things would create chaos, and in fact Paul says that they do. He instructs us to not use our gifts in a chaotic fashion...

Along the same note, why would the spirit ever give two different people two different things to say at the same time, and would they ever contradict each other.

....

I keep praying for the Spirit to allow me to be at peace in the midst of chaos... and I keep finding myself in the midst of chaos...

....

It was a long day.

....

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. A piece of artwork, with beauty and order, and chaos. And don't tell me that God didn't create the chaos. I have often created artwork, and not once has there ever been anything in the piece that wasnt the result of something I did. We, you, me, everything in this world is the result of the master artist applying his brush to the canvas.

Now what?

I have reached a moment when I know not what to do next. Lets compare life to running a race, or in the terms the bible uses running the good race.

I coach track so this is an easy analysis for me. But what do you do when you have run out of hope.

I work with high school students every day and I ask them to give me more, to go above and beyond. I don't even ask for their best I just ask them to give me better than they gave me last time, and I know that eventually their best will come out. When I turn to track I watch runners that hit their limit, they cannot physically run any faster, and I have wtched runners hit the wall when they literally can not run any farther. I have see atheletes get hurt and watched them struggle to keep going with their bodies screaming at them to quit and yet they fight on.

They want, no the need to finish the race.

For the first time in my life I am truely great at something and I have given my everything to it... and yet I fall farther behind. I ask myself the same questions that I ask my students... "Have you done your best," "Do you have anything left," "Can you make it better." But when I ask those questions of them I know where they end is, and in many cases they run with the finish line in sight. They are fighting for something that is real.

I am not out of energy, I have not given it my all. I know that I have more to give and that there is plenty of great things left for me to do... But why? How long does the rat keep running the maze before it realizes there is no way out of the maze.

Each month I get farther into a hole that I see no way out of. And the only solutions that I see make the hole bigger not smaller. How do I change this without sacrificing my family.

I know that life is not about money and things, but sadly we live in a world where without money you do not survive.

It was a long day. I find myself begging God for a way out of this hole. I'm sure the answer will find me, they usually do... but that is another post, another time...

Toes in the water, toes in the sand... life was good today, life was good today... If for no other reason than because I got to live it.

A poem for the masses (and to prove my life is not all sad)

FEARLESS ME, AND MY TEDDYBEAR

Like Abbot and Costello, the Lone Ranger and Tonto,
Wherever I'm headed, he too is sure to go,

We’ve rescued maidens in distress,
Completely fearless... more or less,

We’ve stood up to an ogre, face to face,
And we've dared the depths of outer space.

When it comes to danger and fear, we've done it all,
So if you ever need help just give us a call,

And before you know it, we'll be there,
Fearless Me, and my TEDDYBEAR.

Sometimes the TinMan Sometimes the Scarecrow

As my knees popped and cracked their way up the stairs this morning I certainly felt like the Tin Man looking for his can of oil... But being the Tin Man is so much more than that... I have always been ruled by my emotions, I am a very deep sensitive person and many times I am overcome by the emotions of others. As a child it was very difficult for me to seperate my emotions from the emotions of everyone else. I felt what they were feeling. It was not until well after college that I really learned to distinguish between what I was feeling internally and what I was reacating to externally. Many times I felt that my heart was busted, that I needed a new one...

At the same time I was that kid that was always the smartest kid in the regular class or the dumbest kids in the honors class. Put a little ADD on top of that and there were so many times that I new I had to be smarter than this... that if I only had a brain... because it certainly felt like I didn't...

I have always loved what the Wizard of Oz represents because in the end what each of them desired most, they already had.

As I was thinking about this I realized a couple of things, the first about myself and the second about my children.

First ME...
I have spent my whole life wanting to be great at something. I have many things that I am above avaerage at and a lot that I would even say I am good at. But I always wanted to be great. I have said on many occasions I would give up all of my other gifts if I gould just be amazing at one of them. I have compared myself to the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, even the Lion and occasionally I have even felt like Dorthy - looking for a place to fit in. Yesterday I think I reached a student that the rest of the world has been unable to reach... I've figured out what I am great at... I know who I am. I am not the Tin Man, I am not the Scarecrow, I am not the Lion, and I am not Dorthy.....

I am the great and powerful OZ... What I am truley great at, my gift... I help people to see whats already inside them. I make other people great. My own greatness seems intangible at times, but it can always be found in the success of the people that I touch and help.

Second - My kids:
I am raising the Wizard of Oz... Tyler is the Tin Man - ruled by his heart, always seeking to love and care for others, the first to help out, the first to nurture, the first cry... Jayden is the Scarecrow - ruled by his brain, constantly seeking to be smarter, will think a problem through rather than hit it head on, always looking for a puzzle, has to know the answer... Ajay is the Lion - scared of his own shadow, and the first to jump in to save you, always ready to fight, he seeks out high places, and jumps in to any situation (even if he is terrified), he is one of the most couragous people I know... And Ashtyn - I guess she has to be Dorthy because shes the girl right - but she will also be the driving force behind the other three, they are "Her Boys", she is the link that will hold them together, her family (Her Boys) are what keeps her going, she has to take care of them, she has to know where they are, she is our hall monitor...

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May all your dreams come true,
May your nightmares fade away,
and may you find tomorrow
what you've lost today.

I am praying for you.